Dashed against the rocks again

After a weekend spent wallowing – as per my previous post, I am tired.  Exhausted.  Out of gas.  Tomorrow will be 15 months that I have struggled with the aftermath of my husband’s betrayal, and I am spent.  I need a break from all of it.

I’m tired of living with the weight of my grief.  I’m tired of trying to convince myself that things will be ok, maybe even better than before.  I’m tired of faking a smile in front of my kids and everyone else, too.  I’m tired of fighting with my beliefs, which tell me that I should never accept betrayal of this magnitude.

Problem is there is no escape.  No matter whether we are together or separated, no matter whether I go away or stay at home, no matter whether I am awake or asleep, it is a part of my being.  I can get better and actually have fun and enjoy myself for a while – only to be gutted by a trigger lurking somewhere, and then I am dashed against the rocks at the bottom of the pit of despair.

I had started coming out of the depression following that trigger at school last week, thanks to the help of LFBA, Robin, and Aaron – but then today I came across a hard copy of my husband’s special occasion list from a couple years ago.  There was his OW’s name and her birthday.  And there were the names and birthdays of her children and her parents and her siblings.  It was like he was already part of her family.  Everyone was there except her husband.  And of course, there was the date of their finding each other again.

I actually felt so sick I threw up.  And that big hole in my chest rematerialized.

I believe that if he had known this list still existed, he would have destroyed it.  I really believe that.  It was in a box that we had not yet unpacked after moving and I think he had forgotten all about it.  If I had found it prior to D-day, I wouldn’t have known all their names and I wouldn’t have given any of it a second thought.  But now I know and I am reliving the pain again.

I burned it to ashes and then did some pretty disgusting things to it and then got rid of it.  And I texted my husband about it.  I didn’t tell him what I saw in the list.  I just told him I had found a hard copy of the list from 2009 and I had destroyed it.  He’ll get the picture.  He is in a conference today and probably will not answer until evening.

I know I need to remind myself that it is in the past.  My husband is not involved with these people anymore.  But he was.  And that hurts so bad.

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25 thoughts on “Dashed against the rocks again

  1. NM wife says:

    I too am overwhelmed with the night mare i have been facing since i discovered my husbands emotional affair on July 3rd 2011 I am on the roller coaster ride from hell. I am simply to tired and exhausted tonight as i have already left comments under contacting the other woman catagory and it drained me however i feel your pain and will be back tomarrow night to talk about our unfortunate situations we are facing with uncertainty and dis pare. life or should i say our husbands have dealt us a sickening blow and I for one am disgusted, sickened, hurt, jealous, full of rage and totally out of energy to talk about it. hope you can sleep for the both of us i don’t know what its like to sleep through the night anymore……………… talk to you soon

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi NM Wife,

      It’s a pleasure to “meet” you, though I’m sorry to hear that you are also part of the community of betrayed spouses. Things do get better. I don’t sleep as well as I did before D-day, but most of the time I sleep better than I did several months ago, which is where you are now.

      It truly is a nightmare. It’s nice that we can share and help each other through it.

      DJ

      • NM wife says:

        Thank you for your support we seem to all have a common ground of despair, and pain. It helps to hear others stories. Its not a consolation to know we are not alone. because i wouldn’t wish the kind of pain we are in on anyone (sorry that is a lie, i do wish it on the OW, that is completely out of character for me to hate someone, but yes I F…ing hate her. ) Im sorry but I am angry inside.
        I am 52 and my h is 57 we married when i was 19, we have 2 grown kids, first grand baby this yr.
        here goes my nightmare, my husband for the past couple of yrs has worked out of town approx 5 hours from home. and during this time i have almost ever week drove down to spend the weekends with him and i come bank on monday mornings when he heads off to work. we actually live in an RV buss on location,and we have a place in a rural area 5 hrs north of there. i would always tell everyone that i was off to my honeymoon again every week; but of course he was alone during the rest of the week. One nite he got on the net and looked her up . thats right an old girlfiend from thirty something GD years ago and WALLA the lies, the secrecy the betrayal began. D day he came home for the 4th of July weekend, we were watching a movie together around eleven PM on the 3rd and suddenly he received a text message. I have never been suspicious before. but he seemed a little nervous so i played a little bluff and said is that your alarm and he said no its a 800 number so im not going to answer. then he sat fidgeting and i knew something was not right. he was so obvious. then he tells me do you want me to check to make sure the dogs are all in the back yard?(we live in the country so we put them up at night) i said sure , i waited til he went out and i ran to the window of my bedroom i knew he couldnt see me and sure enough he was out there reading a text message. my heart sank i just knew something was not right. So he had to leave 4th of july day cause he had to be at work on the 5th. i did not go down that thurs because he had just left home monday. we get paperless cell bills on line however i never ever checked it because i just called the service to pay auto. so i got on line into our account and looked up all the history and there it was to my shock….. hundreds of phone calls back and forth from another state. thousands of text messages over 4 months . at least 40 pictures mails listed. I was physically sick. Tell me it isnt true, God tell me it isn’t true….. but i blocked my phone and called the number and i was traumatized and paralyzed with absolute shock i didnt say a word i just hung up. analizing the bill there were hundreds of times he had her on hold to answer my calls and talk to me for 2or 3 to say goodnight and then talk to her for an hour or 2 . for the next couple of days i pretended nothing was wrong on the phone. and then i got in the car and drove 5 hours to confront him unannounced in the middle of the week. he got to the RV after work i was on the phone with him until he got there i let him get in and i drove up and said im outside, he said no your not and he acted all happy to see me when i walked in the door. he came to give me a big hug and i handed him the phone bill that i printed out. the look on his face was pale. All HELL BROKE LOOSE . out of control rage, crying, you name it. he never seen me like that in all the years we have been married.The rest is history. ironically the project ended august 30th and he decided to stay home with me to repair the mess he caused. he just began a new project same place this week. even though he is doing everything he can to repair the damage, I can’t bring myself to forgive him yet. my heart just isnt at that place. I cannot believe he did it, i cannot process it in my brain, My life at this point is so upside down and so out of control with emotions. i don’t even know if i will ever be myself again, i don’t even know who i am right now. i cannot comprehend that he had another woman on his mind for 4 F…ING MONTHS. it gets worse but i have to get some sleep now i am totally exhausted to say the least. please tell me if you do not wish to here anymore of this story and i will stop. but i dont know what to do. i would like to tell you more later, I really am in pain as i know all of you are to. I value your support and just knowing someone is out there who understands fully what i am going through is a blessing, Funny it was always so easy to give others advise, but i cant help myself to save my soul. Thanks i hope to here from you soon,

  2. Foolish Woman says:

    I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.
    Please believe that you won’t always feel this way. It will get easier, I promise you.

    For me it’s nearly three years since my world fell apart and, yes, there are still times when this infidelity crap gets on top of me but, for the most part, I cope pretty well.

    It’s still early days for you but at some point you’ll to realise that it just doesn’t hurt as much as it once did. I hope that day comes soon for you.

  3. Not Over It says:

    Goodness, NMW – I’m so sorry you are going through this. I have said exactly the same thing – I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, except for his OW. On her, I do wish it. I wish she could experience what she and my husband have wrought with their selfish, narcissistic actions. Not the most Christian attitude, and I have never hated someone so intensely ever before, but she deserves it.

    I came across a sign that read, “Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.” I can think of a few people that Karma should get her hands on. OWs are at the top.

    Write here all you want. That’s why I open this blog to comments. My friends and I understand and we all help one another.

    As Foolish Woman said, it does get better. I’m not feeling good right now, but I have had some great moments recently, and I know I’ll get back there some time.

    Hope you get some sleep. I found exercise to be the best medicine for me. It helped me sleep better and made me feel better while I was awake.

    Glad to hear from both of you!

    DJ

  4. NM wife says:

    hello my new found shoulders to lean on. I really would like to tell you the rest of my saga as it plays out in my head like a broken record. I wanted to tell you that when i confronted my husband and the look on his face was priceless. I stood there looking at him in silence for a minute as he backed up and sat on the couch with a look that says I AM SO F…..ed then I said to him. REALLY after 30 plus years of marriage this is what i get, an affair. He sat there and told me its not what you think (oh how original ) I’m not having an affair. i said “oh really what do you call it then. Then my anger started to get stronger during
    which i told him that i contacted the cell phone company’s security office and signed an affidavit and paid 60 dollars to have them send me copy’s of all the text messaged including all of the picture mail sent and received in the past 5 months, i told him that he better worn me right now what i am going to read in those text messages. I told him that i was going to read every one of them so he better spill his guts. He did not know what to really say, he was sitting there speechless . I told him i wanted to know right here and now what was in those picture mail pictures because if he doesn’t and i see something he didn’t tell me about ,then when he comes home i won’t be there. So he reluctantly told me the pictures contained body parts to say it mildly. his and hers sent back and forth. need i say more I was totally devastated and out of my mind.. I demanded to know if they had phone sex. and he admitted it. OMG at that moment my sense of reality struck a blind fury that could bring down the strongest of man. ‘of which time I went balistic i screamed, cried, hyperventilated, went totally berserk, I was so hysterical that I threw up in the kitchen sink, i scared him so bad i think he thought he was going to have to call 911, he might have been right, He had never seen me like that before and frankly i have never seen me like that before. i think they would have taken me to a mental hospital and committed me. i was a raving lunatic, He denies ever seeing her in person during these months, however he admitted sleeping with her years ago when they were dating. Needless to say we spent the rest of the week until Sunday talking, crying, raging ,demanding answers, emotional sex, you name it we stayed in that RV for almost 5 days with the exception of going out to lunch or dinner a few times .through it all he kept telling me he never wants to talk to her again. it was a mistake. and begging my forgiveness. which i still am unable to give. I still don’t know what frame of mind i was in when i told him i wanted to leave sunday morning so that he could call her and cut off all ties with her.REALLY what the hell was I thinking, I should have made him call her while i was there. (i still regret that one) here is the kicker i left to go home and there is a stretch of highway where i don’t get cell service so when i finally did. i called him and asked him did you tell her you got caught ?
    him- yes
    me-what else did you tell her?
    him- I told her that I loved my wife and that you had found out about her and what was going on and that it was ruining my marriage and that i needed to cut off all ties with her.
    me- and what did she say?
    him- she said she was sorry?
    me- GEE SHES SORRY ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME
    me- how long did you talk to her for ?
    him- I didn’t talk to her I text her.

    OMG I left a day early so that you could talk to her, so that she could know how much it was hurting me. and then you have the nerve to generically text her. i hung up on him and would not answer his calls, so he text me and said I love you don’t shut me out. I’m sorry i don’t want to lose you.

    i text him back and called him a chicken SH – T
    i told him he was a coward and i did not want to talk
    i wanted her to here from him how much him and her was hurting his wife. I wanted her to know he was choosing me over her I wanted him to say something. She will never know the grief and pain i’m in because he never explained what it caused. Unless one day i get the nerve to send the letter I drafted in my e-mail box and never sent yet. He did wind up calling her after i would not answer his calls and i looked at the phone bill and it says the call lasted 3 minutes. He probly left her a message.
    . F— her and F— him. I asked him if she was married and he said no but she was in a relationship. like that was supposed to make me feel better. I told him I bet its a special one. then i told him i bet he don’t know about you. I bet the poor schmuck doesn’t know shes phone f…ing my husband behind his back. That poor guy does not deserve the betrayal behind his back and neither did I. Im sorry i have bent your ear enough tonight. I have more to say I just can’t breath remembering details. Im humiliated and my anxiety level is as high right now as a person can get. it almost feels like a heart attack, I have to give it a rest or I will crack. Thank you for caring.

  5. NM wife says:

    Dear Dashed against the rocks again, even though i am wallowing in self pity,and venting I have not lost site of your pain.your story brought me to this forum in the first place. Everyone here knows first hand the pain and suffering of trying to survive the path of destruction created by the one you love in the aftermath of there emotional affair. thanks

  6. Foolish Woman says:

    NM wife – I’m very sorry for your pain.
    I want to tell you about a website which has supported a lot of people through similar experiences.
    It’s http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/

    There’s always someone online there – and their Healing Library is full of good resources.

    Not Over It – I hope the cloud is lifting and you’re feeling better. Like I said earlier, it will gradually get less painful. Really!

  7. Not Over It says:

    To NMW,

    I understand the pain you feel. I never knew I could be so traumatized by anything before. I certainly never knew that infidelity on my husband’s part would do that to me. We now understand how many phrases came to be. Ripped my heart out, tore me to shreds, devastated me, fell into a pit of despair – and there are so many more -those of us here know exactly how these things feel and what good descriptions these are. Before D-day, I always thought they were just a tad melodramatic. Not anymore. They don’t even suffice in describing the real pain behind them.

    We are in rough place right now. This is our life right now. It’s not fair and it’s not right, but it is where we are. But I have peeked out on the other side and I know it will not always be so. A trigger landed me back here but I will climb out soon.

    For you, the other side is still a ways away. You are still in the early stages of this journey. Accept it for what it is now. Go ahead and feel it. Be sad, be angry, be whatever you need to be. But remember that it will get better so that you do not drown in it. You will be ok.

    And for now, telling your story is good medicine. Let it out.

    To Foolish Woman:

    Thank you so much for your help. That website is very good. The cloud is indeed lifting and I feel better today. I appreciate you very much.

    DJ

    • NM wife says:

      To: not over it,
      My husband has been very loving an supportive to help me through the mess he created. However everything triggers anger and resentment and jealousy of the OW and i can’t seen to control my emotions,He has denied over and over that neither one of them ever expressed love or an emotional connection with one another. But i know they had phone sex. So to add salt to a wound . we were watching a movie together this wk end and there was a line in the movie that sent me into a rage with him.and a totally out of control emotional melt down. and I quote: (Men get turned on for the sake of sex but women have to be emotionally connected to be turned on.). How can he defend that? I don’t know how to stop the madness. I was a total lunatic. Thanks for listening…….

  8. The Wayward Husband in Recovery says:

    I know I’m on the “dark side” of this equation, but I read some of your recent posts and I recognize some of what’s going on with you in my own betrayed spouse. I feel for you. It punches home to me the enormity of what I did.

    HOWEVER, as I point out in my blog, there IS hope. Have you tried to read “surviving the affair” and “his needs, her needs”? Both of you?

    If you are going to truly transform your marriage, and get past all of this, you’re going to need more than merely time. You need to actively work on it. To identify each others’ emotional needs directly and specifically, and work towards meeting them. That and lots of “undivided attention” time together. 20 hours a week is what’s recommended.

    Do you want the marriage to survive? Then you must try and forgive him and not obsess over the past. You must again become your husband’s “girlfriend”. Because that’s what was missing and made him vulnerable to this.

    I admit I haven’t read your whole blog, but you say your husband wants this to be fixed. Your marriage to work. is he showing you that he is willing to make amends? Do whatever it takes to fix it? To make you feel safe and adored again, and make your marriage affair-proof?

    It’s a hard journey for both of you. That’s what I learned. He too is probably going through complex emotions. Good days and bad days. Anger at himself. Anger at YOU (yes, at you!). Grief. Guilt. Shame. panic. Depression. Be cognizant of that. be open. I hope you are discussing ALL of what you are blogging with him. Recreating your relationship means truly implementing “radical honesty”.

    As I point out in my blog, my wife/marriage was definitely NOT meeting 4 of my top 5 emotional needs (I didn’t realize this until after I read Dr. Harley’s books, and was in therapy myself). It was more than predictable that an affair would happen. Why? Because the OW met all 5 of them (actually of the 10, probably 8 of them — I didn’t need her for financial support and I wasn’t in a family with her.).

    Nor did I recognize my wife’s needs! Now she is meeting 5 of 5 and I am striving to meet her list (which is different than mine). We are making progress — but D-Day was only 4 1/2 months ago. You take two steps forward, and one step back. But each week, it gets a little better.

    I wish you peace. Good luck. I hope that my words are of some sort of help. I’m going to post this on my own blog.

    • Not Over It says:

      WH,

      I feel like I’m being lectured here. You assume too many things. You don’t know my story and you are not a therapist. Don’t try to be. Offering a perspective to someone and outright telling them what to do are two different things. Most of the bloggers you see here on my blog are already friends and we know each other’s stories. We give our points of view without lecturing. If someone asks something specific, then we answer with our opinions.

      I am not trying to push you away. Just the opposite. I want you to be a part of our community, so I’m offering a way to make you more comfortable here among us.

      I have read everything by Dr. Harley. I understand about needs. But you come dangerously close to using it as justification for your affair. There is no justification. I know you know that. Remember to live it.

      DJ

  9. The Wayward Husband in Recovery says:

    Oh and I understand about triggers. She had a couple this week and went into a small funk.

    I had a couple last week while away from home on a business trip, and in a city where me and my OW had been a couple times together. It depressed me.

    Triggers suck. They are unpredictable. I’m striving to focus, however, on the present and the future. And forget the past. Because there is nothing we can do about it. And i know that obsessing about the past will remove deposits in our “love bank”. It serves no purpose and it can be something that will unravel the progress we have made. It could actually end up killing the marriage. Some people never get past the affair and the marriage falls apart a year or two later.

    I don’t want that to happen.

    • Not Over It says:

      I’m glad to hear you say that, WH. My husband denies that he has any triggers at all. Of course, I don’t believe him. I blog here so that I can express and process all that I’m going through because he will not communicate truthfully and honestly about much of it.

      My husband’s affair lasted six years. It was mostly an emotional affair because she lives in another country, thousands of miles away from us. But they did see each other a few times over the years. With so much time involved, triggers are everywhere. There is little we can say or do that does not somehow involve their relationship. Good luck.

      DJ

  10. Not Over It says:

    NM Wife,

    Oh, I understand how triggers can set off all your internal alarms and turn you into a crazy woman… boy, do I understand.

    You may need to avoid triggers as much as possible. I lived a very sheltered life for a while. I did not watch TV or movies. I only listened to music that did not involve romance – so basically only Christian music. I did not read novels and I stayed away from the news. My husband told me news stories that he thought would be important or interesting to me. That was a good topic of conversation for us for a while. It wasn’t emotionally charged so it was pleasant and even fun sometimes.

    I am better now and I am back to watching a little TV. I listen to regular music now, too, but I still have to be careful about it. I stay away from oldies because those were the songs they sent each other, and I don’t watch romance shows or shows that contain a lot of stuff about affairs or romance. A lot of HGTV and Food Channel! But I am way farther out from D-day than you. Be kind to yourself and don’t rush it.

    You will get to the point where you can begin to control your reaction to a few triggers, and then more of them. That’s where I am now. I can control my reaction to many of them. There are just a few doozies that can dash me against those rocks.

    You will get there. I’ll post about my method for dealing with the lesser triggers soon.

    Now if I can just follow my own method and control the big triggers, I’d be home free. Maybe I need bigger guns for that. Or maybe just more time and practice.

    DJ

  11. nm wife says:

    To: not over it, my mind won’t let my heart heal, I cant see an end to the madness. In all my life I have never had such crazed out of control rages like i do now. My husband has never seen this side of me before.I don’t even know who I am right now. i have never in my life ever thrown something at anyone in anger but it seems I am reduced to doing things that are completely out of my character . in my hostile moment I grabbed 2 bottles of beer out of the fridge, one i slammed down my throat, the other i slammed on the wall behind my husband., ‘the look on his face was priceless. But it didn’t stop there i then proceeded to launch the end table across our wood floors, I think if he wouldn’t have stopped me by holding me in a bear hug from behind that turned my hostility into an emotional meltdown (thank God) , My lovely living room would have been reduced to rubble. its amazing how infidelity changes who you are down to the core. Little over 6 months ago.I was happy, my H and I had it all,the kids are grown, first grand baby coming, our bills all paid off,we’re both in good health and shape and we spent every spare moment together, just loving each other and having fun together. Then out of no where. Blind sided by the bomb of my life. What possesses a man to risk it all for a cheap, meaningless,affair with a person from his past that obvious didn’t work the first time.. Was he out of his mind? Was he looking for something he thought he was missing.. And what is even more pathetic, He has all but destroyed to person who truly loves him. He now has a wife who is a ticking time bomb of anger,jealousy,sadness,hostility and rage. A wife who can’t even recall raising her voice in anger in years, A once, rather confident, loving, humerus,witty, devoted,wife ,who now has no self esteem, no pride, no dignity (I’m spilling my guts on the internet for G’s sake) I mean really was it worth it to him? The stakes were high, but he took the risk anyway and now hes facing the aftermath. If your still ( NOT OVER IT) in 3 + years where the hell does that leave me.. no pun intended, Really I thought I was a stronger person than this, But my life came crashing down and my heart was in to deep.and its rendered me powerless.

    • NM Wife
      The betrayal of trust…from the person you trusted most is an awful thing to experience. The feelings you are having…the loss of confidence, the sadness, the rage…all may be “different” than who you are, but they are all normal right now.
      You are not alone in having these uprooting emotions.
      I was calm, collected etc etc etc before. I stayed that way mostly too after affair #1, but lost some confidence. After affair # 2 I raged (still do) and felt everything you describe.
      Many of us have felt/done the same types of things.
      It will get better. I know it is cliche, but it will.
      Peace to you
      LFBA

      • Not Over It says:

        Thank you, LFBA. I value your opinion and input. You are absolutely right.

        My rages were very out of control at the beginning, too. I scared myself as much as I scared my husband. It does get better. I still feel rage at times, but I am not so out of control anymore.

        DJ

  12. Not Over It says:

    NM Wife,

    It sounds like you are still shell-shocked and traumatized. It’s ok to be where you are. When you love someone so much, trust them so completely, and feel certain that they will always be there for you — well, you are completely blown apart by his betrayal.

    I understand. I am not all the way out yet, either. I am still shell-shocked and a trigger can blow me all the way back down to the bottom of the pit of despair. But there is a way out. It is long and arduous but you are already on the path. You are here with me and with our fellow bloggers.

    I also thought I was a strong and confident woman. I always thought that I could handle anything that came my way. I never thought I would fall apart if my husband betrayed me. I talked about that in my very first post on this blog. Before, when the subject would come up and people talked about infidelity I always said that I would just throw him out and that would be that. Boy was I wrong.

    Right now, you need to learn to control your rages. I am not a therapist and I wouldn’t dream of trying to tell you how to go about that, but I think that should be something you need to work on right away. That doesn’t mean you will just let everything go and forget what happened. You just need to handle your anger in a different way.

    What worked for me and still works for me when I go through angry phases – yes, I still have them – I exercise. Something vigorous or forceful, like martial arts or running or swimming. And sometimes when even those don’t work, I shut myself in my classroom at school and yell and scream and stomp my feet and pull my hair. And then I sing. Sing and sing and sing… sometimes I sing sad songs and let the pain wash over me. Sometimes I sing mad songs and feel the anger rush through my veins. And I always end with praise songs and ask God to help me through. It works for me. Maybe something along those lines will work for you, too.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    DJ

  13. nmwf1 says:

    Dear Dj thank you for inviting me in this blog. i value your opinions and comments .it has been comforting. i will write again soon.

  14. nmwf1 says:

    hello
    I just read WH’s blog about lists of spouses needs. I really feel hurt more than ever. I thought I was fulfilling my husbands every need. I did not go through life with blinders on. My husband as i have said, works out of town, I was always very aware that his work situation, having to be out of town could cause loneliness, that he could possible face opportunities meeting people, however I made a conscious effort to fulfill his needs, I made sure I talked and listened to him, I never took him for granted because I always wanted him to feel wanted and needed, I was always there for him emotionally and sexually. What else is there?
    REALLY? REALLY? after this many years of marriage suddenly he decides I don’t fulfill his needs, or that I’m missing a few of those needs on the F….ing list what the hell is that supposed to mean. I resent that because, I was never afraid to discus if I expected something of him or that I wanted from him. Because that is what you do when you love someone. What , Was I supposed to read his mind? Or maybe i should have asked him to write a list. Are you kidding me? You know; if he had a list of needs that I wasn’t fulfilling than maybe that might of been something he could have mentioned before he decided to have a GD affair behind my back. (Gee that sounds like the perfect solution, have an affair instead of talking about your needs to the one who truly loves you,break there heart because you feel a couple of your needs aren’t being met. what a cop out.) I mean really an affair with some woman he hasn’t seen in over 35 years because I suddenly wasn’t enough. Frankly that makes me sick.

  15. nmwf1 says:

    Dear Dj,

    I am so full of mixed emotions all the time. It torments me to be so upset inside on a daily basis, and yet unable to bring it up to my husband for fear of him growing tired and weary of relentless questions, only to have it bottle up inside until I explode. and you know how those episodes end up. What do you do when you want to love him, but rip his head off at the same time? I find myself talking to him as if nothing is wrong, because he always talks to me as if it is the farthest thing from his mind, all the while with a pit in my stomach that is relentless. I know that he will avoid any inkling of the subject. and if he suspects a storm brewing in me he tries his best to defuse me as fast as he can by talking about anything he can to avoid confrontation. This feeling that won’t go away only fuels resentment and anxiety. I don’t know how to break the cycle. I wonder if he thinks of what I am going through on a daily basis or if he simply just tunes it out. I always find myself wondering if he thinks of her. Its sickening to be on the phone with him sometimes, talking to him about what ever and in the back of my mind knowing that just a short time ago he would have been on the phone at that time talking to her instead of me, talking about G knows what. If we start having idol conversation, I start getting sick to my stomach thinking that she was more exciting to talk to and had more to say, and it makes me crazy in the head thinking he might be thinking he would rather be talking to her. I don’t want to keep doing this to myself, it is self destructive but I don’t know how to stop it.

    thx for listening I know you been there. and probably still are.

    nm

  16. Not Over It says:

    Hi NM,

    Yes, I am still there. It gets better very slowly, and I am still making my way through it.

    I wrote a while back about feeling like I was living a lie – that it was all just a big farce. Smiling, doing things together, many times hiding the fact that I was thinking about his affair. To me it just seemed fake. It still does sometimes, but a little bit less.

    I do believe that he stayed with me because I am part of the package deal of his lifestyle and his family. I am not that special someone for him – I’m not going to even venture to try to say “soulmate.”

    Sometimes I am not sure why I am still here. Can he learn to love me that way? Can he forget her, or at least put her in the past and leave her there? Sometimes it seems so, sometimes not. It is a tremendous struggle. Ultimately, though, I don’t think I will be able to live with being second choice.

    I looked back at some of my writing when I was at 6 months out from D-day. It was a dark time. I hung onto my online coach for dear life. He is the best thing since Jamoca Almond Fudge.

    You will make it. There is a better time coming. I’m not all the way there yet, but I can see the light now.

    Take care of yourself.
    DJ

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