After a weekend spent wallowing – as per my previous post, I am tired. Exhausted. Out of gas. Tomorrow will be 15 months that I have struggled with the aftermath of my husband’s betrayal, and I am spent. I need a break from all of it.
I’m tired of living with the weight of my grief. I’m tired of trying to convince myself that things will be ok, maybe even better than before. I’m tired of faking a smile in front of my kids and everyone else, too. I’m tired of fighting with my beliefs, which tell me that I should never accept betrayal of this magnitude.
Problem is there is no escape. No matter whether we are together or separated, no matter whether I go away or stay at home, no matter whether I am awake or asleep, it is a part of my being. I can get better and actually have fun and enjoy myself for a while – only to be gutted by a trigger lurking somewhere, and then I am dashed against the rocks at the bottom of the pit of despair.
I had started coming out of the depression following that trigger at school last week, thanks to the help of LFBA, Robin, and Aaron – but then today I came across a hard copy of my husband’s special occasion list from a couple years ago. There was his OW’s name and her birthday. And there were the names and birthdays of her children and her parents and her siblings. It was like he was already part of her family. Everyone was there except her husband. And of course, there was the date of their finding each other again.
I actually felt so sick I threw up. And that big hole in my chest rematerialized.
I believe that if he had known this list still existed, he would have destroyed it. I really believe that. It was in a box that we had not yet unpacked after moving and I think he had forgotten all about it. If I had found it prior to D-day, I wouldn’t have known all their names and I wouldn’t have given any of it a second thought. But now I know and I am reliving the pain again.
I burned it to ashes and then did some pretty disgusting things to it and then got rid of it. And I texted my husband about it. I didn’t tell him what I saw in the list. I just told him I had found a hard copy of the list from 2009 and I had destroyed it. He’ll get the picture. He is in a conference today and probably will not answer until evening.
I know I need to remind myself that it is in the past. My husband is not involved with these people anymore. But he was. And that hurts so bad.