I was doing pretty well this week. Not without the little jabs into the stomach at triggers that pop up everywhere, but I kept moving. Then today, Friday the 13th, I walked into another teacher’s classroom and got hit in the gut so hard I couldn’t breathe. She was playing music from her iPod – playing their song. “From This Moment On.” My husband and his OW sent this song to each other more than once, and quoted from it often. They talked about their song and how my husband had sung it to her when they first reunited in person. He told her he meant every word.
I couldn’t even stay in the room. I made some lame excuse and left. But the words to that song pierced my heart and my stomach like the fatal blows of a jagged spear. I sit here now in my classroom, unable to work, unable to function. I am wallowing in despair and pain.
There is a part of me that knows this is temporary. I will get up tomorrow and teach my exercise class and I will be ok. I will work on myself and I will put things in proper perspective again. But right now, I am back in that abyss of abandonment and I am sick with sadness and anxiety and hurt and… disbelief.
Yes, there is still a bit of disbelief that my precious husband would do this to me. That he would lie straight-faced and feel the thrill of forbidden love with another woman, all the while making up lies in his mind about how awful our marriage had always been, so he could justify his reprehensible behavior. That he was sad and distraught to be in a marriage that held no love for him – that had never really been his heart’s desire. These are among the things I read in their emails. The things that are burned into my memory, probably forever.
Wallowing in a pit of despair and pain… and there’s nothing to grab a hold of to get out.