I have come a long way in the near 15 months since my D-day. I obsessed over his affair for a long time. I thought about little else. Today I manage to focus on other things, though passing thoughts of his affair float through my consciousness often – maybe several times an hour. Our marriage counselor says this is perfectly normal and that I am moving along alright.
Although I have getting better, however, I have been having the same nightmare over and over, and it is becoming more frequent. In my dream, my husband has left me for her and I am alone in my house. The house is empty – no furniture, no people. Just me all alone. I have been looking for a reason why this is happening now. The other day I came up with a reason and I obsessed all over again.
No closure. That was it. I had no closure. A big part of why I felt I had no closure was because contact was not officially terminated. This is my husband’s story: when he finally convinced her that it was best for them to break up, she said she couldn’t go on without knowing how he was or where he was. So she wanted to continue writing as friends. He says he told her that this was not a good idea, but that they could slowly wean off of writing every day, and could always be friends. And they really were no longer writing daily on D-day. It was more like a few times per week. They were writing during our trip to DC/NYC – those were the emails I initially found on his computer. That says a lot to me that he couldn’t even stay away from writing to her when he was taking me on a big third honeymoon trip.
He says that the email I found in DC was the last. He never wrote back and never called. He says she has never contacted him, either. He says it was because he told her that they needed to wean off, so she must have thought that he was cutting it off when she didn’t get an answer from him.
But that doesn’t ring true for me. Going from a few times per week to nothing doesn’t sound like weaning off, and it doesn’t sound like a friend to just decide not to answer one day.
He could be keeping up the affair, or the “friendship.” He would now be smarter about covering his tracks. But my gut says he’s not still in an affair. This is a recent development, but I do feel he’s all here now.
Or maybe he was in it until last month when I finally started to feel that he wanted to be here.
And if it was true that they just stopped like that, then she would be under the impression that it would be ok to contact him anytime just to catch up. I don’t know if he would be strong enough if tempted like that. He has promised to tell me if she ever tried to contact him, but I really don’t believe he would tell me.
And this started eating at me. Big time.
I wrote to my online coach about this. This is what he said:
“I think the most helpful attitude you could wear would be one of “Husband, you have free will. If you want to be with OW, hit the road. I’ll be fine, probably better.”
It knocked some sense back into me. I wrote back and thanked him for setting me back on the right path. I asked him to please keep reminding me whenever I started to veer off the path again. He said he would.
I learned along the way that this is what all the experts mean when they tell you to work on yourself. Do things for yourself. Find things that fulfill you outside of your marriage. Develop great activities in your life that make you independent and balanced and comfortable in your own skin. It will make you alluring to your spouse. And if the idiot decides to screw up again, well, then you will be fine on your own.
Sometimes that’s hard to remember and I get some crazy brained notions. Good thing I have good people in my life to help me get back on the path. Like LFBA, Aaron, Robin, Kris, Fighter and all our friends in Blogging World. Like my online coach, too. Thank the Lord for putting you all in my life.