Crazy brained notions

I have come a long way in the near 15 months since my D-day.  I obsessed over his affair for a long time.  I thought about little else.  Today I manage to focus on other things, though passing thoughts of his affair float through my consciousness often – maybe several times an hour.  Our marriage counselor says this is perfectly normal and that I am moving along alright.

Although I have getting better, however, I have been having the same nightmare over and over, and it is becoming more frequent.  In my dream, my husband has left me for her and I am alone in my house.  The house is empty – no furniture, no people.  Just me all alone.  I have been looking for a reason why this is happening now.  The other day I came up with a reason and I obsessed all over again.

No closure.  That was it.  I had no closure.  A big part of why I felt I had no closure was because contact was not officially terminated.  This is my husband’s story:  when he finally convinced her that it was best for them to break up, she said she couldn’t go on without knowing how he was or where he was.  So she wanted to continue writing as friends.  He says he told her that this was not a good idea, but that they could slowly wean off of writing every day, and could always be friends.  And they really were no longer writing daily on D-day.  It was more like a few times per week.  They were writing during our trip to DC/NYC – those were the emails I initially found on his computer.  That says a lot to me that he couldn’t even stay away from writing to her when he was taking me on a big third honeymoon trip.

He says that the email I found in DC was the last.  He never wrote back and never called.  He says she has never contacted him, either.  He says it was because he told her that they needed to wean off, so she must have thought that he was cutting it off when she didn’t get an answer from him.

But that doesn’t ring true for me.  Going from a few times per week to nothing doesn’t sound like weaning off, and it doesn’t sound like a friend to just decide not to answer one day.

He could be keeping up the affair, or the “friendship.”  He would now be smarter about covering his tracks.  But my gut says he’s not still in an affair.  This is a recent development, but I do feel he’s all here now.

Or maybe he was in it until last month when I finally started to feel that he wanted to be here.

And if it was true that they just stopped like that, then she would be under the impression that it would be ok to contact him anytime just to catch up.  I don’t know if he would be strong enough if tempted like that.  He has promised to tell me if she ever tried to contact him, but I really don’t believe he would tell me.

And this started eating at me.  Big time.

I wrote to my online coach about this.  This is what he said:

“I think the most helpful attitude you could wear would be one of “Husband, you have free will. If you want to be with OW, hit the road. I’ll be fine, probably better.”

It knocked some sense back into me.  I wrote back and thanked him for setting me back on the right path.   I asked him to please keep reminding me whenever I started to veer off the path again.  He said he would.

I learned along the way that this is what all the experts mean when they tell you to work on yourself.  Do things for yourself.  Find things that fulfill you outside of your marriage.  Develop great activities in your life that make you independent and balanced and comfortable in your own skin.  It will make you alluring to your spouse.  And if the idiot decides to screw up again, well, then you will be fine on your own.

Sometimes that’s hard to remember and I get some crazy brained notions.  Good thing I have good people in my life to help me get back on the path.  Like LFBA, Aaron, Robin, Kris, Fighter and all our friends in Blogging World.  Like my online coach, too.  Thank the Lord for putting you all in my life.


6 thoughts on “Crazy brained notions

  1. Kris says:

    Hi DJ!

    Sweets, you’re the best! Tears welled up in my eyes reading your post. Only someone who has been this can really understand THIS kind of crazy brain and crazy is it! You are a strong woman, beautiful and wonderful as you are!!!

    • DJ says:

      Thank you, Kris!

      I am truly grateful to have found all of you. And I see that you have made a difference in the lives of others here in Blogging World, too – not just me. Fabulous!

      Love & prayers,

  2. nmwf1 says:

    hi, my H also cut off ties in an instant. and I to feel he has no contact with the OW but the damage is already done. In my crazy frame of mind I have called his phone with my number blocked to see if he would later tell me of blocked numbers coming into his phone at times when I know she would have most likely called him. like everyday right after he got off work, the cell phone history shows her call everyday at almost the exact time coming in, almost to the minute. I call it and hang up when he answers. Then when I feel its an inconspicuous moment I make a comment about a unidentified number that comes up on my phone and I tell him that I always know its my friend and that she always blocks her number so I will answer the call. I tell him that she calls me and i cant always get her off the phone so when I don’t have time to talk I don’t answer the call and then she blocks her phone and I answer. He never ever mentions the blocked calls that I make to his phone. He never tells me that he gets any blocked calls at all. I wonder if he thinks its the other woman calling. I do it to see if he would be honest with me. My dear DJ i am obsessed with this night mare, You seem to be everyone’s Rock even in the mist of your own pain. Thanks. n wf

  3. Not Over It says:

    Hi NM,

    Oh, I don’t know about being anyone’s rock. We just spill our hearts out together and try our best to help one another.

    Using the blocked calls sounds just like something I would do! I am guilty of many crazy-brained notions. My latest is that I checked his email secretly through a remote server system. I saw that he is getting together with some of their old school friends. There is nothing wrong with that, I suppose, but it is a trigger for me to hear about his alumni association or any of their classmates because that is how they found each other. So I will ask him if he has plans to see any old friends while on his trip. We’ll see what he says.

    So insecure, I know. Sometimes I just can’t help it. He duped me for six years. It’s going to take a while before I can give him free reign again, if ever. Just a consequence for inexcusable behavior…

    Hope you’re ok.

    • nmwf1 says:

      OK i have to tell you of a ridiculous thing i did. I made a fake email account so I could make a fake face book account so that i could weasel my way into her face book. Believe it or not she accepted me as her friend because i made it look like i was a friend of a friend. I have been ready her wall every since. her wall history only mentions one thing about my husband without giving his name, she said she was awoke at 5:45 with a very sweet happy birthday wish from a dear sweet man I know. I looked on his phone history there it was at 5:45 a call from him to her. of course I was tortured because I usually have to remind him when its my birthday. She has no clue its me. But because of the line of work she does, she seems to have a lot of friends and they write on her face book. I AM SHAMELESS I am obsessed. I have thought about how on her birthday I would like to give her a special present and expose her to all her friends on face book. they all seem to wish her a happy birthday oh there so they would surely read it. (but I know me I won’t have the nerve), God I wish she would be knocked off her pedestal. Its stuff like that that is making me crazy but I don’t know how to get control of myself yet. I was so secure before this. I was so sure of everything in my world. And now I’m not sure of anything. My husband of 33 years has put me in this position and i resent it so bad. I don’t know how to concentrate on what is important anymore its all about this pathetic obsession I have with
      the OW. I want to move past it.

      • Not Over It says:

        Oh, speaking of Facebook, when I read the emails, I became aware that she looked at my public profile a lot – you know, the page people see when they search for you. My page is private so all she can see is my profile pic and that I am female. We do have some mutual friends, so she can sometimes see a little more of my stuff. I had always used photos of just me for my profile pic. So after D-day, I switched to using photos of my husband and me. I don’t know if she still looks, but she must see it when there is an exchange between our mutual friends and me. So I love posting happy pics of my husband and me there. Wanna talk triggers? I hope she is triggered the hell out of pictures like those. Sorry to the CS’s out there – it’s just a fact of life for the betrayed spouse.

        33 years, huh? For me, it’s 30 this year. When the kids were little, we used to talk about a big celebration for our 30th. The kids would be grown and we’d have a lot more time for each other. Well, we have the time alright – but what do we celebrate? Broken vows? It will be a huge trigger for both of us, I’m sure. Maybe we should take separate vacations during that time… no, just kidding.

        Obsessing about the OW is easy to fall into and hard to move past. For me, I really had to come to believe that she was no better than me. In fact, I find her to be lacking in almost every way. It was just the memory of a cute 18-year old girl that swept my husband off his feet. She is not very pretty and not stylish at all. And, oh, the poor little thing – she can’t get her children to listen to her and respect her. She has raised them so well that they are all dysfunctional in some way. Her family takes advantage of her. No one helps her so she mops the kitchen at midnight sometimes when they make a mess. Oh, the poor little thing. Makes me want to puke. She is not worth my time and my pain. And like my coach says, if my husband really wants to go to her, let him. I will be better off.

        Your husband’s OW is not worth it, NM. Go ahead and hate her, and go ahead and have fun with a few pokes here and there, but don’t let her rule your life. Your life is important.

        Oh, by the way, I like the birthday present idea. For me, though, I have decided to protect my husband and no one knows. And I will keep that secret unless he screws up again and I leave him.

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