Today’s post on Emotional Affair Journey is exactly what my therapist and I have been discussing: affair love and real love. There are many perspectives from which to look at it.
I posted a few weeks ago that Love is a Need. That is how our marriage counselor put it. As a need it can become addictive, and he described a person in an affair as addicted to the the affair partner. He did not make a differentiation between real love and affair love. He told me that he sees many men who are the middle of an affair and could not choose one woman over the other. He said these men were in love with two women at the same time, and that this was very possible, and was what happened to my husband. He said my husband eventually came to realize that though he loved the OW, it had become more an addiction than a real relationship, and he needed to make a choice. He chose me.
And I am undecided about whether or not I still choose him.
Most of this, however, is very contradictory to what I have read about affairs.
My personal therapist and I discussed it further. He didn’t call it affair love. He said it was just fantasy and delusion and did not even qualify as love. He reminded me of the Bible verse that defines love:
Love is patient, love is not selfish, love thinks of others and not self, love is kind, love never dies.
He said that infatuation, lust, hormones and much that we call love is not love at all. He said they tarnish love.
This rings true to me, but it still does not persuade me that my husband really loves me. My husband has not been patient, unselfish, or kind through much of this. He did not feel love for me during his affair. He regretted ever marrying me. He had plans laid out to leave. Today he does lust after me, but that’s not real love. But I have to admit, he made the conscious choice to be with me and to give up his affair. Does he really love me?
Again I have to say – I have to think about that.