In my post on erasing memories, I said that I wouldn’t want to do that, even if there were a magic way to just wipe them out of my memory altogether. When I told my counselor this, he said that it would be a long, tough road if I never put the memories of those emails away in storage in my mind. He asked me why I was clinging so tightly?
That angered me at first. I didn’t think I was clinging to them. They just wouldn’t go away. But then I started thinking about what I had said about erasing those memories. Maybe it WAS me that wouldn’t let go of them. Hmmm….
If that is the case, why am I not letting it go? I think I know. I’m trying not to get hurt again. My dad drilled into my head that if you learn from history, you will not repeat its mistakes. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” And stuff like that. I am doomed to repeat my mistakes if I don’t learn from them. How can I learn from them if I forget about them? I have already forgiven my husband to a degree. I am no longer angry – at least most of the time – there might be some trigger that would set me off, but most of the time I am not angry. I do not want revenge. I take no pleasure in his discomfort over the whole thing. But those memories help me to always be watchful and to never again release my heart entirely into his care.
I generally forgive far too easily. He would do something really mean or disrespectful and I would forget to stay mad to force him to acknowledge and apologize. And he would get away with stuff over and over again. He got away with his first betrayal with no consequence at all. I didn’t know the depth of the betrayal, but I knew he had crossed the line by sitting in the same chair with that girl way back when. But I forgave immediately and completely. Not this time. Can I move on while still holding on? I have to think about that.