Erase my memories?

Dr. K told me that I needed to get rid of the copies I made of the affair emails.  I have two hard copies, two flash drive copies, one copy in my email account, and one on the hard drive of my laptop.  My initial reason for making them was for use as evidence if I divorced him.  But then I became obsessed with them.  I used them to create a timeline of the story of the affair, and I worked very hard to fit that timeline into my life as I knew it.  I had to make it all make sense.  My life had been one big lie for six years.  I had to find the truth of what my life was all about.

In so doing, I memorized them all.  Quite a feat, even for someone with a great memory like me.  And now they are burned in my memory like the branding of a cow.  Seared in there forever.

I told Dr. K that my online therapist had said the same thing, but that I wasn’t ready.  And I told him how I had memorized them all anyway.  He said we would need to erase those memories.  ERASE those memories?  Sounded like a sci-fi movie.  He said there were exercises and procedures that could effectively take them out of my working memory.  I was surprised.  Really?

I did not question him further about it.  I just knew right away that there was no way he was ever going to do that with me.  Forgive? – yes, I’m working on it.  Forget? – no, I don’t think I even want to forget.  How stupid would I be to allow it to happen again?  I need to remember the signs and be aware.

I can see letting go of the pain and anger and coming to the point of not thinking about it many times each day.  But erasing the memories?  No, I don’t think so.

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8 thoughts on “Erase my memories?

  1. More to the point…is to erase the effects of the memories. You can suppress them, but they may well up as emotional turmoil.
    I have the “emails” memorized too….as well as the emails that X’s AP sent to his wife telling her about how hurt he was, and how much he was only helping my wife figure out her marriage to me……blech.

    After X’s first affair, I read, re-read and committed to memory all the emails. They made me physically ill. But I also knew, without a shadow of a doubt that I wanted my marriage and family to be whole. When I had a rough patch I would read them again to re-live the pain…and see if this is what I still wanted. In my case, the answer was always yes. But that was me (with training on how to maximize the pain so that it lessens in scope…yes it seems like an oxymoron) …not you. You are, IMHO, not ready to have these in your forefront right now.

    But…I had to learn to let the effects of them go. I had to view them as a way to deepen our understanding of each other. I think for a while it did.

    I do think you should get them off of your email and computers. Save them to the flash drive if you need to, but put that in a place that is very hard to get access to. Otherwise, you will have temptation to go and look on rough days, but this should not be your focus.

    You are still stuggling with the desire to work through, and this is the pain talking. Negative things need not be in your agenda now.
    Later, when you have 100% decided to commit/work or leave they may be appropriate again.
    Later, (maybe) when you are both stronger, and he has the strength to confront them with you (and you have the strength to confront them with him.

    • Not Over It says:

      You really should be our couples’ counselor instead of the insensitive quack we have now. If he had said it this way, I would have understood. Thank you, LFBA.

      • I wouldn’t say he is a quack as the advice is good. For most people, ridding themselves of this “anchor” is appropriate.
        My concern with it is that if one is not ready, then they tend to suppress.
        But…and this is important, I am not a marriage counselor, nor have I been in the sessions with you and heard all that he has.
        Ask your online coach about what I said…because it is different than his advice too.

      • Now with all my disclaimers in place….if you wanted to fly me out to you for some LC sessions I might be coerced….. LOL. 😉

      • Not Over It says:

        Sounds like a plan. LOL!;)

  2. Not Over It says:

    I was just being sarcastic. I get your point. And my coach and I have already come to agreement that I am not going to get rid of the all the copies of the emails, but I am going to get rid of most of them. I am going to just keep one on a disk and one on a flash drive and put them in storage. So it has turned out just as you suggested!

  3. MayDay says:

    There’s an actual way to erase memories? I thought that only happened in Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind.. Not gonna lie, if given the opportunity I would be very much tempted to do it.

    • Not Over It says:

      Glad to meet you, MayDay, and thank you for commenting here. It’s not really erasing memories – that’s just how my counselor put it. What he was really saying was that he has exercises and procedures to take them out of the forefront of my memory bank so that they are not popping into my mind all the time. And like LFBA said, also erasing the effect that they have on me, so that even if I think about them, they don’t hurt anymore.

      You know, even if I were offered a magic way to completely delete the memories, I wouldn’t. That would be a huge risk that I am not willing, or maybe just not ready, to take.

      DJ

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