Dr. K told me that I needed to get rid of the copies I made of the affair emails. I have two hard copies, two flash drive copies, one copy in my email account, and one on the hard drive of my laptop. My initial reason for making them was for use as evidence if I divorced him. But then I became obsessed with them. I used them to create a timeline of the story of the affair, and I worked very hard to fit that timeline into my life as I knew it. I had to make it all make sense. My life had been one big lie for six years. I had to find the truth of what my life was all about.
In so doing, I memorized them all. Quite a feat, even for someone with a great memory like me. And now they are burned in my memory like the branding of a cow. Seared in there forever.
I told Dr. K that my online therapist had said the same thing, but that I wasn’t ready. And I told him how I had memorized them all anyway. He said we would need to erase those memories. ERASE those memories? Sounded like a sci-fi movie. He said there were exercises and procedures that could effectively take them out of my working memory. I was surprised. Really?
I did not question him further about it. I just knew right away that there was no way he was ever going to do that with me. Forgive? – yes, I’m working on it. Forget? – no, I don’t think I even want to forget. How stupid would I be to allow it to happen again? I need to remember the signs and be aware.
I can see letting go of the pain and anger and coming to the point of not thinking about it many times each day. But erasing the memories? No, I don’t think so.