After I moved here to this new city to be with my husband, we continued to go home to our hometown for the holidays for two years. We got together with our usual bunch of friends and family. My husband, who is not Christian, never wanted to participate much in the festivities, so it didn’t seem unusual that he was extra anti-social at these events.
Last year was the third year since I moved. I was in that cloud of pain and did not want to go home and did not plan any celebration here. I cooked dinner and my children took out a few of my decorations, but it was not a celebration of any kind. I was dead inside. They were afraid I might do something rash and commit suicide. My husband tried to assure them that he would take care of me. They were not convinced. It was difficult for us all.
But then in 2011 I found my online coach and my online blogging friends and I found my way again. This year I celebrated in a big way. I put extra bling in all my decorating, and I decorated every room of the house with Christmas cheer. My daughter and I planned not one, but three parties and we had a blast with each one. And surprise of surprises, my husband wanted to be involved, too. He participated in everything, from decorating to sending out cards to cleaning to cooking to hosting the parties. Amazing grace… he has never wanted to be involved at all before.
God blessed me to overflowing this Christmas. I am a lucky woman. I still cannot look at my husband without the thought, way back in my mind – almost unconsciously – of what he did, but most of the time it is just a tinge of sadness. It is no longer a crippling pain, most of the time. But even with that sad awareness, I can feel joy and love and gratitude for the birth of my Savior and for the relationships I have with my children and with family and friends. And yes, even the relationship I have with my husband. He has fallen from grace, but I have caught him and we are holding hands again. Will we stay together? That remains to be seen. But I have hope. God placed it there in me this Christmas.