Hello my fellow bloggers – hope there is light in your world right now.
I posted the other day that we were getting ready for Thanksgiving and it was going well. The rest of our Thanksgiving also went well. Friends and family came over and we laughed and cooked and had a great meal and had a great time. I caught my husband watching me several times during the evening. And then suddenly he became Mr. Sweetness. It’s been a long time since he’s tried so hard to please me.
Last night was a good example. I was exhausted from a super busy day. I made us small salads to start and was planning to make turkey enchiladas with the last of the leftover turkey. After the salads, though, I was so tired I didn’t even want to eat anymore. I didn’t say anything but I must have looked tired. He said he wasn’t very hungry so he made smoothies and then he gave me a massage, then he cleaned the kitchen and made lunches for the next day, and then he sat and just cuddled with me while we watched TV. If this had happened before D-day, I would have thought I had died and gone to Heaven.
But now I am much too jaded for that. He is feeling really good because I did what he wanted. I put aside our problems. I did not allow myself to even look sad in his presence and I kept it up for the entire weekend. It was great. I can see how we could rebuild our relationship like this.
But some of it was a farce. It was not how I felt. There were periods of each day when pushing the past away was truly a great thing. I felt lighter and freer than I had in a long time. But there were still those triggers and those stomach-twisting emotions at other periods of each day, too. I felt resentful at each of those times. How is it fair that he was the cheater, he was the guilty one – but I was the one suffering. He sang and whistled while he worked at my expense.
How do I ever let it go? I have said it before… what does it really say if I forgive and move forward and create that closer-than-ever relationship that all the “experts” talk about? Right now it feels like that tells him that it was ok to go and rip me to shreds. It was ok to take our vows and stomp on them like dirt. Go ahead and have an affair – your wife will be devastated for a while but then you’ll have the best relationship ever. Or go have an affair – your wife will try her hardest to make you happy and you’ll have had it all.
That’s a hard thing to swallow.