A Farce

Hello my fellow bloggers – hope there is light in your world right now.

I posted the other day that we were getting ready for Thanksgiving and it was going well.  The rest of our Thanksgiving also went well.  Friends and family came over and we laughed and cooked and had a great meal and had a great time.  I caught my husband watching me several times during the evening.  And then suddenly he became Mr. Sweetness.  It’s been a long time since he’s tried so hard to please me.

Last night was a good example.  I was exhausted from a super busy day.  I made us small salads to start and was planning to make turkey enchiladas with the last of the leftover turkey.  After the salads, though, I was so tired I didn’t even want to eat anymore.  I didn’t say anything but I must have looked tired.  He said he wasn’t very hungry so he made smoothies and then he gave me a massage, then he cleaned the kitchen and made lunches for the next day, and then he sat and just cuddled with me while we watched TV.  If this had happened before D-day, I would have thought I had died and gone to Heaven.

But now I am much too jaded for that.  He is feeling really good because I did what he wanted.  I put aside our problems.  I did not allow myself to even look sad in his presence and I kept it up for the entire weekend.  It was great.  I can see how we could rebuild our relationship like this.

But some of it was a farce.  It was not how I felt.  There were periods of each day when pushing the past away was truly a great thing.  I felt lighter and freer than I had in a long time.  But there were still those triggers and those stomach-twisting emotions at other periods of each day, too.  I felt resentful at each of those times.  How is it fair that he was the cheater, he was the guilty one – but I was the one suffering.  He sang and whistled while he worked at my expense.

How do I ever let it go?  I have said it before… what does it really say if I forgive and move forward and create that closer-than-ever relationship that all the “experts” talk about?  Right now it feels like that tells him that it was ok to go and rip me to shreds.  It was ok to take our vows and stomp on them like dirt.  Go ahead and have an affair – your wife will be devastated for a while but then you’ll have the best relationship ever.  Or go have an affair – your wife will try her hardest to make you happy and you’ll have had it all.

That’s a hard thing to swallow.

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14 thoughts on “A Farce

  1. I know it seems that forgiveness absolves him…. but it does not. Forgiveness does not excuse the actions, the affair, the hurt or the deception. What it does is allow you to move past it. Forgiveness allows the pain to be examined in true light. Forgiveness can take away some of the jaded veils that cover both your eyes. It is soooooo hard to do. Forgiveness also gives him space for remorse knowing that you still love him, vs the defensive anger and hurt mode he is in now. Sometimes we all need that space…and we need a better person than us to supply it. He needs you (yes, it seems contradictory) to be that. Also though, you need you to be that. True remorse comes from a place of love, not fear and anger. He needs you to forgive so that he can find the empathy for you and feel remorse for his actions.
    Peace to you
    LFBA

  2. Not Over It says:

    Thank you, LFBA. As usual, you share so skillfully from your wisdom. I will study and pray and try to come to that place of forgiveness.

    DJ

  3. Pippi says:

    I feel THE EXACT SAME way. It’s a bitter, bitter pill to swallow. I’ve said those words so many times.

  4. Holding On says:

    Hi, I’m jumping over from Kristine’s blog and am also from EAJ. I so understand those feelings. Earlier this week I decided I was going to just not talk about the EA, my hurt, just deal with everything on my own, be my own kind and reassuring words that I want/need from him, try to live fully in the present. It went okay, but like you, I felt like I was living a lie. I wasn’t really fully happy. I acted as if everything was alright, but it wasn’t. And I felt like if I continued like that I would end up resenting him by keeping this to myself.

    I also feel like he is walking away with something better because of what he did. I think I am going to just sit down and tell my H that. Our marriage will NOT be better because of his EA. This is not why I am working to love him. And I know my H gets that, but sometimes, that is what I feel. I feel like I get all the pain, the hard work, and he reaps the benefits AND the “fun” of the EA. In my logical mind, I can see how this recovery has been hell for the both of us…he is paying, but I relate to how you feel.

    I guess I understand the need to put away some of that and find that forgiveness that LFBA is talking about. I am not fully there on the forgiveness, it is a process and I have found forgiveness for SOME things, but still stuck on the actual pursuing of a woman while married, the flirting, etc. Doing married actions to someone while you are married to ME! The disregard of your commitments, your wife, everything that should be important.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Holding On,

      I’ve read many of your comments on EAJ. You bring up many good points.

      That forgiveness still eludes me. My husband pursued his OW, too. I used to think he was a man of impeccable integrity. Whatever life threw at us, I thought he would always find the right thing to do, and do it, no matter how difficult. What a crock…

      Thank you for commenting. It’s always good for us to support one another. Here’s wishing we can both find our way through this mess.

      DJ

  5. blueskyabove says:

    Hi to all,

    Please read LFBA’s post again. It is chock full of some of the best advice you will find anywhere on forgiveness. I know it seems counter-intuitive but; if you want your spouse to “get it” then you need to allow them that space. As long as the CS is in defense mode they are using their energy just fending off their perception of your anger. Does that make sense? In order for both of you to heal you need to change your perception. How do you let it go? By changing your perception.

    YOU are the strong one in this relationship. Whether they realize it or not they are looking to you for guidance. And you, true to form, are gathering all the info you can find regarding this situation. Why? Because you are the strong one. You didn’t ‘cut and run’ when things got bad. Their future well-being is literally in your hands. If you can allow yourself to look at your life situation differently you may be surprised to learn that you hold enormous power in your marriage right now. This is an opportunity for you to be the best you can be.

    LFBA summed it up beautifully: He needs you to forgive so that he can find the empathy for you and feel remorse for his actions. Isn’t that what we want? In order to ever feel safe and secure we need to know that they “get it”! You have the power to help them…and yourself.

    • Not Over It says:

      Absolutely right, Blue! LFBA is like the wise old sage here in blogging world. He tells us from his experience and learning. I am not there where I can forgive yet, but I’m working on it.

      My online coach tells me all the time that I am the strong one here. I just need to realize that. And I am. Thanks to my online coach, my studying, and my online friends here, I am bursting out of my pain and living life again!

      Thank you, Blue. I appreciate your comments.

      DJ

      • Yeah….that LFBA guy!!! Hard for him to read praise like this (although appreciated) when he sometimes can’t do what he says he wants others to do Although I write from my belief system and I have been able to follow those words in the past (like after X’s 1st affair), it is difficult for me now to take my own advice ( even if it is great advice 😉 ) for my X’s 2nd affair with the guy.
        Maybe all of you will guilt me into this by this praise of my wisdom, so that I’m not so disingenuos ;-(

        After her 1st affair, and our healing was on it’s way, I did need X to be there for me during some rough patches (financial stuff that led to emotional stuff). She was/is incapable of that and she fled to the fantasy again. The Buddhist in me knows that we all have flaws …and I am no exception to that idea. But if someone can learn from my mis-steps then I am happy to share.
        Peace to you all.

  6. Not Over It says:

    Oh, LFBA – it’s always hard to do these things in your own situation because it cuts into your very heart and soul. But you have a gift. You see inside what people are writing to uncover the issues at hand and can offer insights to dealing with them. I sincerely appreciate the comments you make.

    Hope you are enjoying some of the wonders of Christmas.

    DJ

  7. changedforever says:

    How have I missed visiting this blog all the times I’ve visited the EA website…I fel as if I know you. You & I have so many similarities on the paths we have travelled…I am 14 mths from DDay #1…6 mths from DDay #2…wow was your Thanksgiving scenario similar to mine…except I didn’t have the sweetness from my H that you did…I’m glad for you.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi CF,
      Thank you for visiting here! The sweetness comes and goes. Last night was an awful night – he got mad because I was triggered by a news segment and he lashed out at me. I did not sleep much at all. But overall, things are much better than they were last year at this time. Hope your Christmas season is going well!

  8. Teresa says:

    Hi DJ…a year later from when this post was written 🙂 I was reading over your blog, since I was feeling very down…been arguing with the H for the last few days…well….I argued, he went silent on me, as usual!
    Anyway, I started reading some of your blog from farther back and this post really made me sit up and take notice…Girl, I feel the SAME way!!
    As you know, my H had an ??EA ?? 23 yrs before his current EA…and NO he did not suffer for that one AT ALL!
    He was overseas in the military and I had had it drilled into my brain from other military wives that “When the mouse is away, the big, fat rat WILL play”!! So I just accepted that he had “big fun” while he was gone, even though he denied it when he got home…well, he forgot one small detail…when a RAT plays around, there’s always another rat involved!
    The OW sent him a letter about 6 mos after he got home. Telling him how much she missed him and what a good time they had together…blah, blah,blah…I can’t remember anything else she said after all these years…anyway, I ended up in therapy, suffered panic attacks, was put on anti-anxiety meds, lost about 25 lbs, had all kinds of other physical ailments also….because I BURIED IT!!!!
    So this time I was determined to not do that, and it’s been hell!!

    And I’ve asked myself the same thing you said “Right now it feels like that tells him that it was ok to go and rip me to shreds. It was ok to take our vows and stomp on them like dirt. Go ahead and have an affair – your wife will be devastated for a while but then you’ll have the best relationship ever. Or go have an affair – your wife will try her hardest to make you happy and you’ll have had it all.

    I feel like such a jerk from all those years ago, that he would TOTALLY do that to me AGAIN, and not even remember how it affected me!!
    So yes, while forgiveness IS important for ME, I still feel that you cannot forgive too soon, that they do have to suffer repercussions…otherwise they will feel they have “won the prize”!
    A loving, caring wife who works her fingers to the bone to please him…and he sits there smiling, happy as a clam, thinking “Yea, I did a bad thing, but hey, look, we’re both so happy now, it all worked out fine, maybe my affair was a GOOD thing”!!
    Grrrr, makes me furious just to think about it!!!

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey Teresa – I’ve seen the comments going back and forth, and unfortunately, I am unable to sit and write a thoughtful response. For now, I’ll just say that a year has not changed my thoughts here, and I have been very melancholy whenever I am not rushing around like crazy or practicing for my performances.

      I just came across a receipt for one of my husband’s hotel stays from 2010. He was still in his affair then, and I wondered if this was one of the times they spent together. Triggered me big time to look at the dates and his name and his signature… but I have not had time to sit and sort it through in my mind. I am determined, as you say, not to bury it, but I am crazy busy this weekend.

      Take care, dear friend. I’ll be back as soon as I can, probably tomorrow.

      Love you,
      DJ

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