What’s that they say? Two steps forward and one step back. Well, right now is one of those step back times. A big step back. We went for our first session with new counselor. We had tried one back last December, but she was awful and actually made things worse for us and I refused to go back. It’s taken me all this time to be willing to try again. My husband has not wanted to, either. Our children begged him to try again. And they convinced me, too.
So there we were in the counselor’s office. He was telling the counselor about his affair. He slipped up a couple of times and contradicted the final version of the story he told me several months ago. They were not huge things, but they just showed me that he continues to lie and deceive me. I felt the betrayal all over again.
So after those huge strides in dealing with flashbacks and feeling better within myself, I have fallen down again. The new information didn’t produce a flashback, but I am depressed. I just want to sit and stare into space. No get up and go. No nothing. Just sit and contemplate on the life I lead today… I will live the rest of my life knowing that my husband fell in love with someone else and wanted to leave me. He spent years planning it and longing for it. If I had found out earlier, I believe he would not have chosen me. And now we are trying to rebuild our life and see if we can be passionate about each other again. I don’t know. I don’t know if I can ever feel anything for him the way I did before. I have pieced my heart back together and put it back in my chest, but it doesn’t seem to work like it used to.
The counselor asked me what price my husband has paid for his crime. He said that in a court trial, a person is charged with a crime. If found guilty, he is punished. My husband has been found guilty – what price has he paid? You know, he hasn’t really paid much of a price for anything. I have kept it a secret from everyone. Only our children and one other person knows. So aside from watching me suffer and losing the respect of his children, he has not paid any price. What price does he need to pay? I have to think about that one.
What do I need to do to get up again? I’m not sure. I’m tired of getting up time and time again. I think I’m going to lie here for a while. I’ll get up soon. Just not now.