On September 6, 2011 I added this to my “About” page:
A new look to my blog today to go with a new approach to life and to my recovery! I have come to a place where I can say I am going to make it. With or without my husband, I am going to make it. I am going to take charge and work on myself.
I’ve read a number of things that say that if your husband is not willing to do the hard work to rebuild your marriage, you must “swing out” of your marriage and work on yourself. Swinging out means that you work on yourself – find your own activities and make things right for yourself. Stop working on the marriage or on your husband until your husband “swings in” and begins to work on the marriage himself. Until now, I couldn’t do that. Leave him alone with unmet needs? I couldn’t possibly. There is definitely a risk there. But if you set him free and he leaves, he was never truly yours to begin with. Now I am strong enough to try this out. This is a very new and different phase of life for me. We’ll see how it goes.
This is not to say that I am over it, or that I no longer hurt, or that I am no longer afraid of losing him. But I see now that this must be done if my marriage is ever to be the honest, trusting, caring relationship I want it to be. And if it cannot be that, then it is not worth saving. Please pray for me.
And now it is September 26, 2011. I have come here and looked at what I’ve written. I’ve sat staring at it. I was at a loss for words. But today here are a few – just to tell about where I am right now in my quest for recovery, whatever that means.
I have been working on myself, as I said I would. I’m taking dance classes again, which I find invigorating and challenging and satisfying. I also work hard at taking a hard look at my life and how I want to live it – this I do with my online marriage coach. He’s awesome. I’m getting stronger and more focused and more relaxed, while at the same time I have a motivation and drive for life that I have not had in a long time.
So with this new strength, I can also now say that my husband either has to work with me to make changes to how we relate to each other, or this marriage is not going to work and I will leave. He has been refusing to do anything. He just wants to make like it never happened and move on. Well, it did happen and even if we move on to a great marriage in the future, it will still have happened. And I will never forget it. It is a part of us now, and there’s no turning back. We can learn from it and make things better and God can take it and work it all out for the good, but it will still always be there.
It was a loss of innocence. I will never again be the completely trusting person I used to be. I will never be able to say that I was the love of his life. I will never be able to say we were meant for each other.
We can be good together again. We can be in love again. But that’s because we can work to make it happen. It wasn’t that it was meant to be. I am not his one and only. The romance is dead.
But I’m a romantic. Can I really live like this? Is it possible to bring it back?
I guess today is not a good day… oh, I don’t know…
But I am strong. I will make it. I may hurt, but I have good friends and family. I have a good job and I’m involved in great activities. It will be ok.