The Romance is Dead



On September 6, 2011 I added this to my “About” page:

A new look to my blog today to go with a new approach to life and to my recovery!  I have come to a place where I can say I am going to make it.  With or without my husband, I am going to make it.  I am going to take charge and work on myself.

I’ve read a number of things that say that if your husband is not willing to do the hard work to rebuild your marriage, you must “swing out” of your marriage and work on yourself.  Swinging out means that you work on yourself – find your own activities and make things right for yourself.  Stop working on the marriage or on your husband until your husband “swings in” and begins to work on the marriage himself.  Until now, I couldn’t do that.  Leave him alone with unmet needs?  I couldn’t possibly.  There is definitely a risk there.  But if you set him free and he leaves, he was never truly yours to begin with.  Now I am strong enough to try this out.  This is a very new and different phase of life for me.  We’ll see how it goes.

This is not to say that I am over it, or that I no longer hurt, or that I am no longer afraid of losing him.  But I see now that this must be done if my marriage is ever to be the honest, trusting, caring relationship I want it to be.  And if it cannot be that, then it is not worth saving.  Please pray for me.


And now it is September 26, 2011.  I have come here and looked at what I’ve written.  I’ve sat staring at it.  I was at a loss for words.  But today here are a few – just to tell about where I am right now in my quest for recovery, whatever that means.

I have been working on myself, as I said I would.  I’m taking dance classes again, which I find invigorating and challenging and satisfying.  I also work hard at taking a hard look at my life and how I want to live it – this I do with my online marriage coach.  He’s awesome.  I’m getting stronger and more focused and more relaxed, while at the same time I have a motivation and drive for life that I have not had in a long time.

So with this new strength, I can also now say that my husband either has to work with me to make changes to how we relate to each other, or this marriage is not going to work and I will leave.  He has been refusing to do anything.  He just wants to make like it never happened and move on.  Well, it did happen and even if we move on to a great marriage in the future, it will still have happened.  And I will never forget it.  It is a part of us now, and there’s no turning back.  We can learn from it and make things better and God can take it and work it all out for the good, but it will still always be there.

It was a loss of innocence.  I will never again be the completely trusting person I used to be.  I will never be able to say that I was the love of his life.  I will never be able to say we were meant for each other.

We can be good together again.  We can be in love again.  But that’s because we can work to make it happen.  It wasn’t that it was meant to be.  I am not his one and only.  The romance is dead.

But I’m a romantic.  Can I really live like this?  Is it possible to bring it back?

I guess today is not a good day… oh, I don’t know…

But I am strong.  I will make it.  I may hurt, but I have good friends and family.  I have a good job and I’m involved in great activities.  It will be ok.


8 thoughts on “The Romance is Dead

  1. Kristine says:

    Oh wow, cute layout! Maybe it looks different because I’m always on my phone LOL
    Anyway, this breaks my heart. I do know what you mean though. I have the same issues. I know I won’t leave though because I know God wants this marriage together (and all marriages I believe unless he says otherwise) and I have to see this through. I’m too stubborn to give up, I know my husband can improve. Right now though I know exactly how you feel and what you’re going through. I just told my husband today I want him to put as much energy and focus in making me feel special and loved as put into his adultery. I don’t know why that’s so hard for him to understand. I don’t know why it’s so hard to DO. He’s always asking me, “what am I not doing?” and I want to say “what ARE you doing?” he’s very willing to participate in whatever I plan, whatever I suggest, he’s good at saying “I want to take my wife out” and then we go to our usual local spot but that doesn’t call for effort. I’m writing a blog post about this now aamof. Trying to get my thoughts together without getting too long-winded, I was going off in a direction I didn’t need to go (in case he reads my posts) and I need to trim it a little.

    Anyway back to you — my heart goes out to you. after all that was done, you’d think they’d FIGHT to right the wrongs. I don’t understand that. I’m really starting to understand that my husband is emotionally retarded. I’m not making excuses for him but so much about the way he would react to things even before this happened makes sense now.

    I was praying one night and the holy spirit whispered to me, “he is one-dimensional. You are 4D he is 1D.” Now it’s all clear! It really goes to show how God will pair us with someone who doesn’t mirror us in every way but pairs us with someone who needs us to balance them out and us to balance us out.

    I’ll be praying for you guys. Are you still in counseling?

    Btw I finally got this in an email!

  2. Kristine says:

    OH you know what? I’m an idiot lmao i thought i was commenting on Robin’s blog for a minute. We were commenting last night on her blog and her subscription was off, I’m not getting emails when she has a new post so I thought this was it. LOL I’m a dork 🙂

  3. Not Over It says:

    Hi Kristine,

    Thank you for your kind words. I needed them today. Yes, I guess we are experiencing many of the same feelings right now.

    I would love for things to work out between my husband and me, but the Bible says that adultery is reason enough for divorce. So if he will not work to get past this, then I can only conclude that his adultery took him so far from me that divorce is the only choice for us. I will not live with the way things are.

    Good point about God pairing up people who can balance each other out. I’ve always felt that about my husband and me, but I guess he has never gotten that point. One of the first things he told me about his OW was that she was so much like him so they didn’t fight.

    I am still working through this. Hopefully I can come out on the other side with my husband at my side. But then again, maybe not.

    I pray for you, too, Kristine. I put you on my list when I first saw your blog. God will pull us through!

  4. It sure can look like the romance will never be back in your marriage or that things will never be good again when the husband refuses to do anything. But it is possible and for the most part, it has happened to me. As long as this is what you want, keep hanging in there and do your part. Sometimes it’s hard to see the bigger picture when you feel like all your efforts are pointless. Maybe he is depressed? Or filled with extreme guilt? And just not able to accept what he has done to you? Whenever I discuss anything about the affair, sure enough my husband gets really pissy and on edge and we always end up with a fight and me crying. This still happens but it does get better with time… Now, we do argue less and less whenever I bring it up and I don’t cry as much and hopefully soon, it’ll eventually be more of a constructive conversation or reflections on the past.

    However, sooner or later, if your hubby still refuses to take any responsibility or change or even acknowledge what has happened, then you’ll know what you want to do… Most importantly try to be happy and stay positive. And it’s so wonderful that you’re doing new and fun things for yourself! Keep at it!

    And yes, you are strong and you will make it.

  5. Kris says:

    How are you doing lately? Haven’t seen any new posts.

  6. All I can say is that I understand where your are coming from. After my wife’s (X) first affair, we rekindled the romance and committment. But she was never really going to do the work to help us heal. Lip service yes…work, no.
    She went back to him and we are divorcing.
    It’s sad. But both people have to be fully invested in the marriage for it to thrive.

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you. I have wondered since D-day if he still wanted her. I saw emotions cross his face for a fleeting second whenever he talked about her… I have been afraid of being where you are.

      I have wondered if it was just my insecurity since finding out that he had an affair, or if he really still would rather be with her. He told her he would love her forever so often in all those emails I found. I just can’t seem to get past that. My therapist says that maybe I won’t. Maybe I can’t live with it and I just need to move on.

      I am torn. One part of me says Dump the cheater! He has shown his true colors. Another part of me says He was also horrified by his own actions. You still love him. Work it out.

      I enjoyed your post where you answer questions from your different roles. I feell like that, too.

      • yes…the emails of betrayal. I read many of those. once she left him the 1st time, I did not doubt that she felt the affair was a mistake and she got caught in a fantasy. I believed that she had transferred her feelings…that they were not real toward him.
        She said the same things…that it was not real about him.
        It is possible to heal and recover. It is possible that your husband was caught in his own insecurities and professed it with his love for her.
        Often….the work is not done by the betraying party because they have to deny the importance of it in order to get over their own guilt.
        these are all traits of human nature.
        i hope you both can have the breakthrough in honesty and emotion that you seem to need.
        peace to you

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