Why is he so angry? Here’s my theory…

I’ve been thinking about why my husband seems to be so angry with me all the time.  I’ve come up with a theory and I’m going to try to write it out in terms of what I know for a fact vs what I think was or is going on in his head.

I know that he saw her name on the email list of his alumni association. He told me that at first he wanted to get even with her for dumping him. He decided to pull her into an affair to prove that he could have her if he wanted. What I think is that he did not think I was important in this decision. He was sure he could pull it off without my knowing since I was so trusting, and he figured he could just talk and cajole or force his way out of it if I did find out. He had no knowledge of the consequences of an affair in a marriage and he did not care enough to find out.

He told me that once he made contact with her, he felt things he was unprepared for. He says he found that he was still in love with her. He has admitted this. Then the affair became real and he was totally in its grip. Just like everybody else, he felt he found his soul mate and that they were destined to be together forever. His marrying me was a mistake he should never have made. He wrote all these things in the emails.

But then I think it got tiring after six years. And he says that her husband finding out twice took a toll on their relationship. He called it her “episodes.” He begged her to keep their dream alive but it must have been difficult because her husband watched her like a hawk after that. And there I was at his side and I was doing my best to make our marriage work. He told me he couldn’t help enjoying himself with me and he enjoyed the way I took care of him. I think he thought about the fact that her children are a lot younger than ours and it would be many more years till they could be together. So I think he decided to make the best of his life and make our marriage work.  If I die before him, then he can go and be with her.

But then I found out. I think he was totally unprepared for the consequences of his actions. But he did his best to help me through it for a couple of months. Then I think the guilt started to really eat at him during that time. He started losing weight, having nightmares and difficulty concentrating. And I think that every time he looks at me, he is reminded of his failure and his guilt. So he tried rushing me along, to make me let it go so that he could let it go. But in his mind, I am refusing to let it go. I am choosing to drag this out. And as long as I am in pain, he will feel guilty. So I think that’s why he is so angry.

Sometimes when I look at him, I cannot help but think to myself, “He betrayed me. He took our marriage and made a mockery of it. How can I live with someone who did that to me?” Maybe I am not hiding that very well. And that would make him feel more guilt, expressed by more anger.

I have told him that I don’t understand him and that I need for him to talk to me and tell me what’s bothering him. I have told him that he is always angry these days and I can’t feel amorous when he’s been glaring at me all day. I have told him that it’s difficult for me to get closer to forgiveness when I’m mad at him for yelling at me all the time.

My therapist says that maybe it’s time to stop.  Take a break from it and plan for a separation.  Then he will actually feel the consequences of his actions.  But my husband is a very black and white kind of guy.  If I leave, he will close the door on our marriage and never open it again.  I will have to be prepared for divorce if I even bring up separation.  I have to think some more.

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10 thoughts on “Why is he so angry? Here’s my theory…

  1. Kris says:

    I think many times, the betrayer DOES get angry. Is angry. They’re angry the recovery process takes so long and because it does take so long it means it takes longer for them to be free from our pain, their guilt and shame, their own process.

    Has your husband ever talked to you about how he feels now that he’s out of it? Six years is a long time but there is still a “coming out process” for them, for certain things they have to realize and come to grips with. What’s his take on the adultery now that he’s out of it? What’s his take on it? On the affair partner? What does he feel now about the affair partner? I think it’s helpful to know where their head is at NOW and what they realize where they were at DURING the adultery. We do all this homework and learn about it but until they do as well, it’s like they’re lagging behind and not on the same plane.

    Did you get that book Helping Your Spouse to Heal after Your Affair? My husband is finally reading it and I *finally* got the courage to ask how he felt when he looked back at the affair partner and the adultery. I could see when he was in it how she PLOTTED to get him and was willing to “get him” at any cost. He did not. In fact, when he first came back after our separation, he didn’t agree with me. I asked him again and he said now he can see the manipulation and the deceit. He said, “I don’t look back at that time with rose colored glasses. I get it and I don’t like being taken advantage of, manipulated or used.”

    WOW thank you GOD! He finally saw it for what it was. He also said he has no concern for her, no feelings. I don’t think he was there in the beginning though when he first returned. I think he thought he had hurt her too and felt bad about that and that kept him from really moving to the place he needed to get to with US. Now he can look back and see she wasn’t an innocent victim. She colluded with him in this devastating act, she took a risk and waged a war with him. It’s helpful when they get to that place where the veil of deceit falls off.

    I’ve read ALL of your posts but I can’t remember them all lol I read so much and participate in so many blogs and discussions I can’t keep track of who’s story goes where, when and with who. so forgive me if I’m asking something you already talked about. 🙂

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Kris,
      My husband and I are hardly talking at all, so I haven’t talked to him about how he feels now about his betrayal. He seemed to be coming out of the affair fog a few months ago and things were looking better, but now it seems it’s as bad as it ever was. I’m suspicious that maybe they’ve started up again. He’s acting just like he did when he was involved with her. But if he were to do it again, he would be much more careful to cover his tracks and I don’t know if I’d ever know for sure, unless he decided to leave.

      • Kris says:

        That blows, we’re already walking on egg shells esp in the beginning not sure what’s what and what’s truth or fiction and who they are yet. It would be horrible if he started all that back up again and wipe out all the progress that’s been made.

        I’m not sure where you are in this in terms of how you want to handle it but I’ll be praying for you and I also don’t know what your faith is but I’d urge you to go to rejoiceministries.org. I stood for my marriage when my husband was in sin and had moved out claiming he loved me but wasn’t IN love with me. It was the hardest thing I ever did but God urged me at every step to keep standing. He even whispered to me in the beginning “your husband will not be gone long, your children will not be w/out their father in their daily lives for long” and you know what? He wasn’t. 10 weeks. Hallelujah.

        I wish I had better memory, I read your blog last night and already forgot the details. We need to have a little “adultery recap” on our blogs to sum up the story to refresh minds LOL

  2. Robin says:

    My husband was also angry – and definitely gave me the impression that if I didn’t get over it soon, that we wouldn’t survive. His anger covered guilt and shame and confusion, and he was so busy trying to avoid feeling bad that he didn’t have any energy left over to comfort me. Kris and I have some similarities in our stories – the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald finally opened a dialogue for us, but we didn’t really begin healing until I had reached the end of my tether and just decided that I couldn’t do it any more – that I needed consistent forward progress instead of two steps forward and three steps back. It took me a very long time to get to that point because new details kept rolling out every month or two so I was constantly reeling and off balance – and while my husband broke off contact with the OW before he told me, she continues to reach out every few months – which stirs up feelings in me. It took him almost a year to stop feeling guilty for treating HER so badly and finally realized that he had been manipulated and and that the life story she told him really didn’t make any sense. The point Kris made about the cheater needing to process and sort out is true for us as well – my husband is in counseling to understand why he chose this route to deal with stress, why his default response became lying, and why he had blanks in his understanding of what happened. We have also had some recent successful counseling appointments together. It really can work and you can be happier than you ever have been – but you have to know that your husband wants it too and he has to be willing to do the work…it takes more time than anyone wants to believe, but it can be worth it!

    • Not Over It says:

      Hey Robin,
      I finished reading your entire blog – the details of our husbands’ affairs are different, but the resulting turmoil is very much the same. You’ve helped me to see that maybe my husband is not so much in love with the OW because he is angry. Just maybe…
      Thank you. I will keep reading whatever you post. Hang in there!
      DJ

    • Kris says:

      Robin I’m going to peek into your blog tonight. I’m very excited (sadly) to find other blogs of women sharing their stories and hopefully their healing process.

      Can I ask what the new details were? I mean, you don’t have to give ME the details just what they surrounded?

      I can kind of relate to the point of what you’re saying about reaching the end of your tether. I feel like I’ve healed thus far on my own ENTIRELY and now I’m stuck at NOT going further and always getting stuck in the pain because the last part of what needs to take place needs to come from him and it’s not. So I’m at the end of my wits, same thing as wits end by the way lol of staying in this rut. He needs to step up or step off is my take. No more excuses. No more delays. I need this. I’ve given him a 10 mile rope to come through the fog, work through his emotions, his realities, his process. Now its my turn!

  3. Not Over It says:

    Hey Kris,

    I know what you mean about reading so many blogs that the stories kinda bleed over into one another. We are all so similar in so many ways. Did you read the EAJ post where Linda talked about a book called “The Script.” The authors say that affairs are so predictable that they can be scripted. Funny, in a kind of dysfunctional way…

    Yep, I’m also at that place where I’ve given all I can. Now it’s his turn. If things don’t show any change by October 17 – our D-day – then I will take steps to separate.

    I belong to a Four-Square church. I’ll take a look at that site.

    My husband is the one who had the six-year affair with his first love. He said at first he just wanted to get even with her for dumping him all those years ago. But then he says he found he was still in love with her. All the typical stuff ensued… I found out when he left a letter from her open on his computer. We were on a trip and sharing his computer and I sat down to check my email and there it was. And then I found hundreds more. I was so trusting, so blind… the signs were all there but I always attributed them to something else. I thought he was clinically depressed for some time. I just didn’t know why. When I found out, my husband begged for my forgiveness and to let him stay. And here we are almost 10 months later and I just don’t know if I can continue. I thought he was coming out of the affair fog a few months ago, but it seems he’s lost in it again.

  4. Kris says:

    I just realizes your deadline is 10/17. That’s Monday! I really think a year is too soon for a deadline. Where are you today?
    Me you and Robin need to exchange emails! We need to start a little email therapy!

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you, Kris. My online therapist said the same thing. My husband has finally agreed to couple’s counseling, so we are going for our first session next Wednesday. I’ll give it a shot, but I’m not very optimistic at this point. I think he is still in love with her and I’m not willing to share his love with anyone.

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