I’ve been thinking about why my husband seems to be so angry with me all the time. I’ve come up with a theory and I’m going to try to write it out in terms of what I know for a fact vs what I think was or is going on in his head.
I know that he saw her name on the email list of his alumni association. He told me that at first he wanted to get even with her for dumping him. He decided to pull her into an affair to prove that he could have her if he wanted. What I think is that he did not think I was important in this decision. He was sure he could pull it off without my knowing since I was so trusting, and he figured he could just talk and cajole or force his way out of it if I did find out. He had no knowledge of the consequences of an affair in a marriage and he did not care enough to find out.
He told me that once he made contact with her, he felt things he was unprepared for. He says he found that he was still in love with her. He has admitted this. Then the affair became real and he was totally in its grip. Just like everybody else, he felt he found his soul mate and that they were destined to be together forever. His marrying me was a mistake he should never have made. He wrote all these things in the emails.
But then I think it got tiring after six years. And he says that her husband finding out twice took a toll on their relationship. He called it her “episodes.” He begged her to keep their dream alive but it must have been difficult because her husband watched her like a hawk after that. And there I was at his side and I was doing my best to make our marriage work. He told me he couldn’t help enjoying himself with me and he enjoyed the way I took care of him. I think he thought about the fact that her children are a lot younger than ours and it would be many more years till they could be together. So I think he decided to make the best of his life and make our marriage work. If I die before him, then he can go and be with her.
But then I found out. I think he was totally unprepared for the consequences of his actions. But he did his best to help me through it for a couple of months. Then I think the guilt started to really eat at him during that time. He started losing weight, having nightmares and difficulty concentrating. And I think that every time he looks at me, he is reminded of his failure and his guilt. So he tried rushing me along, to make me let it go so that he could let it go. But in his mind, I am refusing to let it go. I am choosing to drag this out. And as long as I am in pain, he will feel guilty. So I think that’s why he is so angry.
Sometimes when I look at him, I cannot help but think to myself, “He betrayed me. He took our marriage and made a mockery of it. How can I live with someone who did that to me?” Maybe I am not hiding that very well. And that would make him feel more guilt, expressed by more anger.
I have told him that I don’t understand him and that I need for him to talk to me and tell me what’s bothering him. I have told him that he is always angry these days and I can’t feel amorous when he’s been glaring at me all day. I have told him that it’s difficult for me to get closer to forgiveness when I’m mad at him for yelling at me all the time.
My therapist says that maybe it’s time to stop. Take a break from it and plan for a separation. Then he will actually feel the consequences of his actions. But my husband is a very black and white kind of guy. If I leave, he will close the door on our marriage and never open it again. I will have to be prepared for divorce if I even bring up separation. I have to think some more.