I’m still willing to listen

My therapist asked me today – What are you going to do?  What is your response?  The big question.

Well, for now I am going to stick it out until October 17, like I said I would. I will try whatever comes my way until then. I am not going to bend over backwards to reach an epiphany or find new insight – just whatever finds its way into my head or my hands. If it works, hallelujah – my therapist is wonderful and he can help me rebuild my marriage. If it doesn’twork, so be it – my therapist can help me make my way alone.

I think that’s a pretty big step for me. I can finally say that I will be ok either way. It won’t be easy either way, but I can deal with either outcome. I think I needed to come to this point before I could make the decision. I am here. Now we just see how it plays out. My husband will have to play his hand.

 

I read a blog yesterday by a betrayed spouse. She said her husband had had a physical affair a few years back. They managed to move past it. Now he has just been caught in an emotional affair. She said that it is much worse this time. She said the emotional bonding – the love he felt for his affair partner – is killing her. Many comments came in after that, all in agreement that the emotional part is the hardest part of it all. I guess that’s what eats at most of us betrayed spouses. Is he in love with the other woman? Is he here just for convenience or to keep his kids? We all feel the same way.

I have been going on and on as if all this were a new revelation. I knew it wasn’t, but it was for me. To think my husband, the man I trusted wholly and completely, could do this, knowing full well – and I know he knew – that I would not get over it. I know he knew because his first reaction when I confronted him was to say that he would do whatever I wanted – move out, file for divorce – whatever I wanted. My first response to him was to get out. Move out and I would call a lawyer. But even in my shock and mental breakdown, I thought about him and his circumstance. It would be expensive to stay in a hotel. It would take some time to find an apartment. We would have to give 45 days notice to get our tenants to move out. It would most practical for him to stay in our house. I happened to like my daughter’s bed and he didn’t – too firm for him. So it made the most sense for me to stay in her room and he could stay in our room. But then of course, he came to my bed every night and begged me to let him “just lie down for a while” with me. I cried and screamed and lashed out at him and he just took it. When I tried to push him off the bed, he lay half on top of me so I couldn’t push him away easily.  I saw his strong and handsome face and felt his warmth and sincerity, and I needed him.  I’ve read that they call this hysterical bonding.  And so we started on this journey and I still haven’t called a lawyer.

At first he said and did all the right things. But after 2 months, he had had enough. He said I should be over it and stopped any and all efforts. At that point, I was still very much in shock. Not eating, not sleeping, not functioning very well at all.  We tried a counselor in our town and that failed miserably.   Then I found Marriage Sherpa’s Marriage Coaching program.  I’ll always be grateful.   I have th support I need to move through this hard part of the journey.

So what should my response be now? I don’t know.  If I had to make a decision today, based on the current situation, I would say it is time to leave.  But little things like the hug he gave me a couple of weeks ago and the look he gave me the other night when I took out his shirts to iron… they show me a glimmer of hope and keep me from taking action. This morning he was talking to our infant granddaughter. He told her that her eyes looked just like Gramma’s. Her eyes do look just like mine, just a different color. He said, “So pretty and so trusting, just like Gramma’s used to be. You’re going to be just like Gramma, I can tell. So lucky.” I think he knew I was within earshot. Seems he’s trying to talk to me indirectly. I’m still willing to hear more if he has something to say. I have not reached the point where I am not willing to hear anything from him.

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One thought on “I’m still willing to listen

  1. Kris says:

    Hi DJ,

    Started my blog today! Got my first post up:

    http://healingafteradultery.wordpress.com

    let me know your thoughts 🙂

    Kris

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