9.5 months and counting…

I am tired.  I’ve read hundreds of articles and books on marriage and infidelity.  I know that no marriage is perfect.  Mine certainly never was.  And I know that there is always something to fix on both sides.  And an affair can make people stop and look at what can be changed to make it better.  I didn’t cause him to stray.  That was his decision alone and he crossed the line by himself.  But most authors say he made that decision because there was something he was looking for, some need that wasn’t being met.  Yes, I’ve read it a hundred times already.  I’m tired of being told I did something or was something that enabled him to have an affair.  I’m tired of being told that now I have to make the changes in order to make our marriage work. I’ve learned all I can and I’ve tried everything I’ve learned.  I have kept at it through all the harsh and cold treatment he has lashed out at me.  I can’t do it anymore.  There were plenty enough reasons for me to go out and have an affair.  There are more than plenty now.  But he doesn’t have to do a damned thing to get me to stay faithful.   In fact, I stay faithful in spite of how he treats me.  I was just unlucky enough to marry one of the supposed 50+ percent who stray.

And I actually did change many things, but it was too late and I didn’t know it.  Four years ago, I knew our marriage had major problems.  He had already been cheating on me for three years but I didn’t know that.  I just knew there were problems and I had to resolve them.  His anger, coldness, and cruelty… his distance from me and even the kids…  I centered myself and prayed and meditated every day to keep steady for the war I was waging.  I didn’t know what I was waging war against, but I knew I was waging war.  It was hard and it was long.  I fought for 3 years.  I did not do anything that would detract from my goal.  I moved to the city he worked in so we would be together daily.  I took a small job that receives little recognition and where I spend half my time alone with computers.  It seemed that my very public career had contributed to our problems and I fixed that.  Then I found all those emails and started on this journey of recovery or whatever it is that this is.

I guess I sort of won the battle because he is still here.  But have I won the war?  At what cost?  Was it a price I should have been so willing to pay?  Look where it got me…

My therapist asked me if I was thinking that all this is unfair.  Darn tootin’ I don’t think it’s fair that I am the wounded one but I am the one who’s trying everything and anything to fix this marriage.  If he does anything positive, it’s because he’s reacting to something I tried.  That’s why I’m ready to chuck it all.  But I promised to give it a year and we’re not there yet.  9.5 months and counting…



2 thoughts on “9.5 months and counting…

  1. chely5150 says:

    Hi DJ- I know this is your old blog, but I was taking a peek at it and just had to comment on how much our stories are similar. Many authors have not had to deal with the longevity of the affairs that their partners had. EVERY affair is a living HELL – but sometimes it the length that it went on (i pray that it is really over) that really eats at me. Why don’t they just go sooner? Anyway thanks for sharing your story it helps alot.

    • DJ says:

      Oh yes, it seems to me that the length of time indicates that they had strong feelings for their partners. I still struggle with this one today.

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