Still suffering from that trigger

I’m really having a hard time bouncing back from watching that movie – A Walk to Remember.  My daughter and I had a relaxing afternoon at the beach, then I made enchiladas for dinner, and then we had to take her to the airport for her trip back to her home.   We were together for six weeks – so hard to say goodbye again. She has become such a beautiful young woman, inside and out. I have no doubt that she will do well in her life.

She had an interesting comment while we were making dinner. She said, “I know you are still suffering, Mom. Dad did the deed, but you are the one paying the heavy price. If you slammed him in divorce court, I wouldn’t blame you at all. But I’ve been watching both of you. Dad is suffering, too. He is sorry, you know. He’s mean to you, but I’ve seen the way he looks at you when you are asleep. He is sorry.” Big tears welled up in my eyes. I was chopping onions and had to stop so I wouldn’t cut my fingers off. I couldn’t talk. I just looked at her and nodded and she gave me a big hug. Gosh, I can’t stop crying, even now. I haven’t cried this much since the first month after D-day. I hurt so much.

I am wallowing in my misery.  Life was so good before he found her again.  My husband has never been easy to live with, but I arranged our lives so that there was minimal conflict and I tried really hard to make our home an oasis for everyone.  Things got a little rocky when he insisted that I work fulltime at the same time my mom was requiring more and more care.  I was stretched beyond my limits and having a hard time.  Instead of helping me, he withdrew.  Now I know that he withdrew because he reconnected with her.

When the opportunity came to make a choice between us, he chose her.  All the things we went through to be together and all the love we had shared together was not strong enough to match his love for her.  He told her he had always loved her and would look for the first opportunity to leave me and start a life with her.  I believe he is still in love with her, but has chosen to live out his life with me because he feels this is his duty and obligation.  He also wants to keep the security and lifestyle he enjoys with the family, especially our granddaughter.  So the best I can hope for is that he will come to accept it and learn to enjoy life with me again.  And I have to learn to accept the fact that he had an affair with the woman he loves, but he wants to live with me, and I need to learn to enjoy life with him again if I also want a secure family and future.  We can love each other – we do love each other, but he has lost that romantic, passionate love we once had.  She came back into his life and rekindled that love between them and it overpowered and doused his passion for me.  The passion must never have been very strong because it could not endure the temptation of finding her again.  Maybe at some point, we might be able to rekindle it between us again, as long as she stays away.  I don’t know.  Is that going to be ok – just hoping she stays away?  I’m still sitting on the fence.  The hurt is not as bad as it was for the first few months – that cloud of pain that I lived in 24/7 – but I am hurting still.  Should I be content to let things be?  He wants to stay.  It’s just that he made his decision based on security and comfort, not for love and passion.

I wonder if he misses our good days – the days of chasing each other around the house and dancing in the moonlight.  He told her many times that he regretted ever marrying me.  He wished that he had fought for her and married her from the start.  Doesn’t sound like someone who misses the old days with his wife.  Every single day he told her the things I had always wanted to hear, but never did.  I no longer wish for it – those days are long gone…  No, if I am really honest, I do wish for it.  I long for it.  I just don’t believe it’ll ever come true.

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7 thoughts on “Still suffering from that trigger

  1. Michael says:

    Thanks, now I’m crying. No, I’m not balling my eyes out, you know how us guys don’t do that. But hell if a tear didn’t run down my face when I read this. More so, I felt this.
    Hang in there.

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you for the encouragement, Michael. I am better today. Still depressed – I cry at the drop of a hat – but I’m a little better.
      I’ve been waiting to hear how your Friday night dinner went. Hope you are ok. You hang in there, too.

  2. Teresa says:

    wow!! Just found your blog…after what I’ve read, I’d say you’re one amazing woman…and your husband…a fool!!

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you, Teresa. I don’t know if I’m so amazing, but that is so kind of you to say. We just had our first session with a new counselor and I was feeling rather down. I really liked the counselor, but my husband did not. He has been distant since then.

      I needed some encouragement… thank you again

  3. backonmyown says:

    Maybe he was saying some of those things to her in order to convince himself? Is that possible?

    • Not Over It says:

      You may be right. Since writing that post, I have read some articles that say that the cheater needs to convince themselves that the affair partner is the love of their lives so that they can justify their actions. I don’t know… maybe I’m being stubborn but his parting words to her are etched in my mind – “I will always love you but we know this is not right. I will pray for the day that we will be free to be together but right now we need to do the right thing.”

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