Six Months Out from D-day

Six months ago, I was sitting in my living room in real physical shock after learning of my husband’s affair.  I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t sleep.  I know that my daughter tried to talk to me and my husband came home for lunch every day for a week.  I know that I slept in the guest room – I happen to like the bed in there and my husband doesn’t-  but my husband came in every night anyway.  The pain enveloped me like a heavy fog and gave me no rest.  It was there with me all the time, like a demon sticking knives into me all day and all night.

I am only now starting to feel better.  The pain is no longer constant.  It still hurts like hell, but I have moments where I don’t feel it now.  I’ve posted about the sadness that makes everything gray.  It is still there, and will probably be for a long time.

I listen to the music from the movie Braveheart by Enya. It is just the right piece for right now. It reaches into my soul and wraps around the ache within me. It doesn’t try to force me to smile -it swirls in and around my heart as it travels with me in my pain.

How I long to leave this pain behind!  But like my therapist said, I walk wounded now, and maybe I always will.

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3 thoughts on “Six Months Out from D-day

  1. Tryingtoowife says:

    As I read your post of 6 months, I am fearfully contemplating the DDay, hovering over my life like a vulture. It is due in only few days.
    At 6 months I felt pretty vulnerable and very confused, but sadness was the strong permanent feeling, with great anger off course! I did not believe that it was EVER possible to even feel better, but that I had to just accept that life would be just this uncertainty about everything I felt or lived for. I did not know how to be different from my shattered old self. I remember telling my counselor that I accepted my feelings being capped for ever. Nothing would be felt as freely as before. No amazing happiness, but sadness would also be capped because I had felt it deep inside my heart and could NEVER forget it. She reprehended me saying that I should not think like that, because things were going to change. She was right! I am feeling lighter than 6 months ago. I also had some very rewarding time with my husband because I did not ‘cap’ my feelings of being ‘little’ happy. I opened myself and I felt my happiness. It was a sunny day and I thought: I want to see him for lunch, sitting in a park. I gave into an impulse without analysing it! So I called him, left the office with intention of spending as much time enjoying it as I could. Picked up some food, some wine and we sat in a sunny spot, and I smiled. He could not stop smiling because it was so unexpected. It was the first time in 11 months that I came out of my shell of sadness. It was the first time in 11 months that the knot into my guts released and the physical pain was not present. It was a slow process but it happened, against my belief that it would be possible. It was the beginning of a new beginning. I will always grieve for the lost, but accept now the new. So hopefully you too, will get there and you shall not take as long, because you deserve happiness. Thanks for writing, it help us.

    • Not Over It says:

      Tryingtoowife,
      Thank you so much for your reply. I shall look forward to the day when I can feel happiness again, and I will try to open myself up for it! Even the birth of my first grandchild was dulled by the weight of my sadness… but I just couldn’t get around it or past it. Maybe now I’m ready… I’ll try lunch in the park, too. I think I can handle that.
      Thank you again!

  2. tryingtoowife says:

    This is a tiny step forward, but a very difficult one for me. I found out that I can only focus on day to day, maximum weekly plans. I am still uncertain about the future. So little, tiny steps, leading to small moments of happiness helps. I lost the great feelings of enjoyment of things that I celebrated before, but I learning to be contented. It gives us a little more strength. I don’t know if it will last but I am holding on to it for dear life!Hopefully your husband will help you thought this very difficult process, he is the only one that can and he must understand that. But you already are a stronger person than before, when you look back and realized what you survived, you will be amazed that you could have! All the best to you!

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