Sadness Grays Over Everything

I am coming along rather well, if I compare myself to other bloggers.  This week will mark six months since D-day, and I am no longer walking around in constant pain.  It comes and goes now with the triggers that can come out of the blue.  My son-in-law picked out a movie for family night on Sunday which turned out to be loaded with triggers.  The story took place in the city where SHE lives.  The main character is a two-timing cheat.  His girlfriend is a loving, trusting, sweet person.  The OW was his first crush.  I was sent reeling back to Day 1.  I excused myself well before the movie’s halfway point, and still it took me a whole day to recover from it.

But still, the pain is not constant.  What is constant is sadness.  No matter what I’m doing, no matter what blue skies and happiness I find, it’s grayed out by an underlying sadness that never goes away.  The thrill of my first grandchild’s birth, the peace and contentment of a successful mountain hike, the satisfaction of a job well done… they are all grayed out by unrelenting sadness.  When I look at my husband, I am filled with the knowledge that I love him more than life, and the accompanying knowledge that it is that love which causes me this great sadness.  Will I make it through this?  Will I ever not think of her every time I think of him?  At this point, I have my doubts.


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