Missing Pieces

I realized today that I don’t know enough about how they ended it to write a decent paragraph on it.  I’m going to have to find a time to bring it up with my husband.  I know he’ll say he’s trying to forget about it, and will not want to bring it back into his thoughts, but too bad.  I need to know.

I asked him the other day what kind of gifts he gave her.  He said the only thing he ever gave her was chocolates.  I told him he must have been a very junk boyfriend.  He had no response.

I’m also very curious to know if they did see each other more than once, and if so, when and where?  Did they have sex?  He has claimed that I am the only woman he has ever had sex with, but I am doubtful.  There have been other women that I have sensed something with him, too, an attraction between them and him.  I just don’t know anymore how trustworthy he is.  He did fool around with another girl when we were in college.  They met each other a number of times over a couple of weeks, and kissed in her dorm room once, or so he says.  They were sitting together in one chair at the college library when I found them together, holding each other and whispering to each other.  At the time, he swore to me that nothing had happened between them.  They had a class together, and he had no other chair to sit in to help her with a problem.  Yeah, right.  He said he realized he was wrong, and would never let it happen again.  On the morning I confronted him about Laura, I asked him about Theresa.  He admitted to the dates and kiss.  I asked him why – he said that he wanted to break up with me because I wouldn’t convert to his faith.  He was too chicken to just break up with me, so he figured if he found someone else, I would get mad and leave him.  When I didn’t, he said he realized how much I loved him, and he decided to stay with me.  Actually, I only stayed because he lied to me and I never knew that he had been going out with her and had kissed her.  Now he tells me, and now he admits that he only stayed because he felt obligated to me as his girlfriend.

So I guess I was never the love of his life.  Laura was it, and when she dumped him, he just settled for me because I was available and so willing.  As soon as he reconnected with her again, he picked her over me again.

I looked up Chinese palm reading yesterday, and then looked at his palm.  His marriage line says that he is prone to love triangles.  I guess it’s true.  My marriage line says I am a loyal and loving spouse.  I guess that’s true.  Does he deserve me?  Rationally, I can say that no, he does not.  But in my heart, I feel totally worthless right now.  Not good enough to keep his love even when I was young and pretty.  Not good enough to keep his love when we had shared our lives and our heartbreaks and our children.  Not good enough for anything.

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