Can I forgive him?

I have read many articles and books on forgiveness over the years.  From a spiritual standpoint, I understand that forgiveness makes life better for me, not for the person who hurt me.  And now that I am reading about forgiveness in the aftermath of an affair, I understand that it will free me from bitterness and pain.  Rationally, I understand all of this.  In the real world, where I am the betrayed spouse whose husband treated me like a doormat and stomped all over my heart, I am not ready to let go of my anger and resentment.  I am still in the process of trying to forgive my husband, and it absolutely vexes me.  I have forgiven him many minor things over the years and glossed over opinions and habits he has that make me mad, but this… this is a slap in the face, a brazen show of disrespect, a total disregard for me and our marriage.  Some days I am ok.  I can act like everything is fine and can feel like we are really going to make it.   And then there are days like today when I am so resentful and angry that I think we will never make it to that stronger, better marriage that everyone talks about.

I have gotten past the worst of it.  I no longer want revenge or to see him hurt in any way.  I know that I love him and want him in my life.  But I have not gotten to the point where there is no resentment or anger, especially on days like today.  I don’t know where it came from today…

I’m pretty sure he knew I was angry today, but he bit the bullet and brought lunch to me at my office anyway.  We ate together in my office because I didn’t have much time.  He was sweet and attentive and kind.  I reciprocated and did not bring up our problems, but inside it made me sad.  Why couldn’t he have been that way and thought about me before making contact with his high school sweetheart?  Why didn’t he stop to think about our relationship before flying across the country to meet her?  Why didn’t he love me enough to stay away from her?  Why?  Why does he want to be with me now?  What makes him think he will be faithful now?  I know I’m asking a lot of questions, many of which I’ll probably never get satisfactory answers to, but sometimes I just have to ask them anyway.  I guess I am still a long ways from forgiveness.  At this point, God help me to simply want to forgive.


2 thoughts on “Can I forgive him?

  1. You were where I was months ago, and most all of us betrayed spouse have felt what you’ve felt at one time or another. Forgiveness just can’t be rushed. If you’re not ready to forgive him at this moment then you’re just not ready. You may say that you have forgiven him but it might not be what’s really in your heart. It may take you another month or it may take you another year or 2 and so on. As for me, things couldn’t be any better and I’d like to say I’ve forgiven him but sometimes I think about what had happened and right now, I just need to reserve a tiny bit of anger and resentment towards what he did to me. However, I know that one day I will forgive him fully and truly. So please don’t be hard on yourself. You are entitled to feel what you feel… And as the saying goes… Time really does heal…

    • notoverit says:

      I started reading your blog a few weeks before I made the decision to start blogging myself! It has given me hope that it is possible to make it through this. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog and respond to it. You have made a big difference in my life.

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