Questions, Questions, Questions, and The Start of His Affair

For two days after learning of my husband’s affair, I was unable to function.  I did not eat.  I did not sleep.  I could not go to work.  But I could ask questions.  I started barraging my husband with question after question that evening and did not stop for three months.  I do still ask an occasional question, but I don’t have many of them anymore.  My husband continued to lie to me, sometimes to spare my feelings, but I believe it was mostly to protect himself and his image.  What he didn’t understand was that the truth would come out eventually with my constant questionning, and the lies he told would undermine my efforts to heal, and may forever prevent me from trusting him again.  Complete honesty and openness is a very important part of the recovery process for the betrayed spouse.  If you are a cheating spouse, remember that.

It was a long drawn-out process.  For the first few days he answered my questions to help me understand.  Then he decided he didn’t want to do that anymore.  Then we read some articles and books that suggested it was a good idea to talk about it, if we could avoid being cruel.  So he started answering again.  Recently he has again stopped answering.  He says it’s enough already and I should be “over it” by now.  That’s a whole blog entry in itself for another time.  But for now I have put most of the puzzle pieces together and thrown out most of the pieces that didn’t fit (the lies).  So this is my version of the start of his affair, based on night after night of questionning, talking, arguing, and apologizing.

I’ve mentioned before that she was his high school sweetheart, his first love.  He had had a crush on her from junior high school, and was thrilled when she accepted his invitation to go to a movie when they were seniors in high school.  They fell head over heels in love and promised to love each other forever.  But her family was already in the final preparations for moving to a different country.  After only two months together, she moved away.  They promised to continue their relationship until they could be together again. 

She went to college in her new country.  He went to college in their hometown.  Two years later he won a scholarship and the chance to go to college in my state.  It was a great offer and he accepted.  He remained loyal to her.  She, on the other hand, cheated on him.  She went out with two different guys that year, and fell in love with the second one.  At the end of the school year, she sent him a Dear John letter and dumped him.  He was crushed.  He told her he never wanted to see or hear from her ever again.  And that was that.  We started dating right after that.  We finished school, married, and had three children.  We were always very passionate about everything we did.  We fought a lot, but we always had a great time making up.  The spark was always there, and I was fond of telling friends and family that he still made my heart skip a beat when he walked into a room.  I thought we had a solid relationship.

Seven years ago, their alumni association started preparations for the school’s 100th anniversary gala celebration.  They circulated an email list in the process.  For the first time, my husband was confronted with information on where she was and how to reach her.  He said he just wanted closure.  He said he wanted to find out why she had written a love letter to him in March, then dumped him in May.  But he didn’t know how to approach her or the subject, so he didn’t do anything for a few months.  And he never mentioned any of it to me.  Several of the other people in his old group of friends contacted each other, and they became email buddies. 

Then in September her sister won some sort of competition, and the email buddies forwarded the news to everyone.  My husband saw his chance.  He emailed her sister.  He congratulated her, then asked about her family.  She wrote back and told him about everyone, mentioning that Laura was married and had three children.  She told him it was ok to contact Laura directly.  My husband wrote back, saying that he was hesitant to contact Laura because he had made such a scene about never wanting to hear from her ever again.  He said he regretted that, and to this day found it hard to talk about her.  She forwarded that email to Laura, and Laura wrote to my husband, saying that all the old feelings came back when reading his letter.  And that’s how it started.

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