Affair Fog?

I come across this term everywhere in articles on extramarital affairs – AFFAIR FOG.  It certainly seems to be real.  I believe my husband when he tells me he really can’t remember many of the details.  Especially at the beginning, right after my discovery day, much of it was a big blur to him, and many of the things he believed about the affair and his life at the time just didn’t make sense.  He is now slowly remembering more and starting to see how distorted his perspective was, but it will take a lot more time for him to really come to terms with all of it.

I found a blog entry in Secret Life of Jane that makes some good points about affair fog:

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of blogs that deal with the struggle to end (or not to end)an affair and so many of them scream “fog” to me. I didn’t want to believe I was being blinded by the fog during my affair. I resisted that idea for a long time. I thought I was seeing clearly. I was not. On March 10, I posted about “affair fog.” I am reposting this so that maybe it helps those who are struggling see how fogged in they really are.

In previous entires, I’ve referred to the “fog” I was in during the affair. It occurred to me that I might need to explain what this means. So, what is all this about fog? Generally, when I refer to the fog, I am describing denial.

I thought the affair was about love. I thought we were two star-crossed lovers who met at the wrong time – victims of circumstance. I was in denial.

I blamed him for the pain I was in. I was in denial.

I didn’t think I was hurting anyone, or I rationalized hurting people by thinking I was getting what I deserved, no matter the cost. I was in denial.

I hoped that he would come riding in on a white horse and take me away to happyville. I was in denial.

I didn’t think my marriage was worth saving; I had given up on it. I was in denial.

At times, I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. I continued to justify the affair. I was in denial.

Denial is dangerous. It prevented me from seeing the reality of the situation and it’s what kept me so confused for so long. I was lost. Now, the fog is lifting. I can see the affair for what it was. I can see my real life for what it is. I am not blinded by the highs of the affair anymore. A cheesy song lyric comes to mind: “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.” For months, it was pouring. It rained so much, I was drowning (mostly in self-pity). In recent days, I’ve seen the sun a lot more. Yes, I can definitely feel the fog lifting and my heart sings.

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6 thoughts on “Affair Fog?

  1. Kris says:

    Hi, I read your posts on emotionalaffair.org – I’m Kris. I just wanted to ask where is Jane’s blog? I’ve often wanted to read it but it seems like it’s gone – what happened?

    Also, be on the lookout for my own blog soon. I can’t wait to get it up! 🙂

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi Kris – nice to meet you! Jane’s last post said that she felt the blog was creating a rift between her and her husband. She felt that it kept her affair alive and prevented them both from completely healing. She said that they were happy and committed and she was so grateful to him for that second chance, so she took the blog down. I kind of wish she has just left it there so we could all gain from her experience. She didn’t need to keep adding to it. But I do understand her feelings. I also did not blog for quite some time because I was always more depressed after reading other people’s stories. But right now, I just need to get it all out of me and express it. My husband sure isn’t listening.

      Looking forward to your own blog. Let us know when it’s up! 🙂

  2. Kris says:

    OH OK thanks! I kept clicking on her link that’s in her name in old posts over at EA.org but nothing would come up. I wish she would have left it up too but I get how it can put a cramp on the healing process for the marriage. It’s almost like the other spouse doesn’t want their details hanging out there in the wind, even if it is anonymous.

    I started my blog. My first post is not a positive one but it’s where I am today.

    Tomorrow is a new day 🙂

  3. Kris says:

    By the way are you NOTOVERIT at EA.org or DJ? I think you’re both but just checking so I don’t call you the wrong name! lol

  4. I think it’s not just the one involved in the affair that deals with denial. I know I dealt with denial in the months leading up to discovering the first affair. Then off and on leading up to the second discovery almost 4 years later. It was how I tried to survive life in general. He was distant both physically and emotionally. It was how I managed to keep going.

    I wish I did so many things different, but I know that denial is powerful.

    • Not Over It says:

      Hi ET – Yes, I think you’re right. We all deal with denial. The betrayed spouse doesn’t usually take it to the level of hiding in a fog, however, and most cheating spouses create such a dense fog that they have difficulty seeing reality for a long time.

      After discovery, it usually takes a some time for the betrayed spouse to come to acceptance of what happened. Up until that point, they remain in denial.

      Acceptance is hard. I still find it hard sometimes to accept that my life has been altered forever by my husband’s selfish and narcissistic behavior. Forgiveness is even harder. We could write volumes on that issue.

      Hope all is well with you –
      DJ

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