I come across this term everywhere in articles on extramarital affairs – AFFAIR FOG. It certainly seems to be real. I believe my husband when he tells me he really can’t remember many of the details. Especially at the beginning, right after my discovery day, much of it was a big blur to him, and many of the things he believed about the affair and his life at the time just didn’t make sense. He is now slowly remembering more and starting to see how distorted his perspective was, but it will take a lot more time for him to really come to terms with all of it.
I found a blog entry in Secret Life of Jane that makes some good points about affair fog:
Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of blogs that deal with the struggle to end (or not to end)an affair and so many of them scream “fog” to me. I didn’t want to believe I was being blinded by the fog during my affair. I resisted that idea for a long time. I thought I was seeing clearly. I was not. On March 10, I posted about “affair fog.” I am reposting this so that maybe it helps those who are struggling see how fogged in they really are.
In previous entires, I’ve referred to the “fog” I was in during the affair. It occurred to me that I might need to explain what this means. So, what is all this about fog? Generally, when I refer to the fog, I am describing denial.
I thought the affair was about love. I thought we were two star-crossed lovers who met at the wrong time – victims of circumstance. I was in denial.
I blamed him for the pain I was in. I was in denial.
I didn’t think I was hurting anyone, or I rationalized hurting people by thinking I was getting what I deserved, no matter the cost. I was in denial.
I hoped that he would come riding in on a white horse and take me away to happyville. I was in denial.
I didn’t think my marriage was worth saving; I had given up on it. I was in denial.
At times, I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. I continued to justify the affair. I was in denial.
Denial is dangerous. It prevented me from seeing the reality of the situation and it’s what kept me so confused for so long. I was lost. Now, the fog is lifting. I can see the affair for what it was. I can see my real life for what it is. I am not blinded by the highs of the affair anymore. A cheesy song lyric comes to mind: “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.” For months, it was pouring. It rained so much, I was drowning (mostly in self-pity). In recent days, I’ve seen the sun a lot more. Yes, I can definitely feel the fog lifting and my heart sings.