He wants to forget that it ever happened

I’m not sure what I’m going to do next.  My husband said he wants to forget that he ever had an affair.  He’s sorry and he just wants to start over.  Hit the delete button and make like nothing ever happened.  He started out four months ago full of remorse and trying his best to help me get through it.  Now he’s refusing to do anything I want until I do what he wants and never mention it again.   He won’t even say anything nice to me.

I’ve read a lot of books, articles and blogs in the four months since I found out about his six-year affair.  Not a single one says that it’s ok to just sweep it under the rug and move on.  In fact, just the opposite is true.  We need to deal with it – face the pain and the hurt in order to move beyond it.

But he will not even listen to me.  We started a program called Saving Your Marriage by Dr. Gunzberg.  The first section says that you cannot change your spouse, you can only change yourself.  It gives a list of things that spouses frequently do to each other that are inconsiderate or selfish.  The point is to look at yourself and learn how to change yourself.  His comment:  “Do you see yourself in this list?  Do you see how you do these things to me?”  I refused to take the bait, and I said yes, I did see things I needed to change, and I was finally going to learn how.  I added that the point of the section was to look inward, not point at your spouse and tell them what they need to change.  He was furious.  He said that I didn’t understand the book and that I was only willing to see things from my point of view.  Funny, that’s exactly what I’ve thought about him for a long while now.  Even my children think so.

How will I ever get through this?

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