Up until the very day that I discovered my husband’s infidelity, I would have sworn that I would throw him out of the house immediately and get a divorce if he ever cheated on me. So much for that theory. It’s been four months since my discovery day, and I’m still living with him. I’m not intending to divorce him, either. In fact, I am doing everything I can to avoid that. What changed my mind? A number of things, but mostly it was that I realized I still loved him.
I used to think I would just automatically hate him forever, and that the hate would just overpower the love I had for him. I knew that I would hurt if this ever happened, similarly to when I lost my parents, but I thought that my hate and anger would carry me through and that I would be fine. That was sooo not the case.
We have always had a fiery relationship – huge blowouts followed by passionate makeups. Then we reached the stage of life where the obligations and duties of life just took all the time and energy we had. There was little left for us to share with each other. I had three high-achieving teenagers with a constant stream of activities that I needed to be a part of, a live-in mother with Alzheimer’s disease, and a demanding full-time job. In a perfect world, my husband would have understood my stress and he would have been there to support me through all of that. But no. Where was he? Looking up his high school girlfriend on the internet and carrying on an affair because he felt I didn’t care for him anymore. I never suspected a thing. I knew we were not the same as a couple during the last six years, but I always attributed it to other things – work stress, family stress – because he was a man of integrity and I thought he would always do the right thing in every situation. But we were no longer enjoying passionate makeups.
A typical story – we’ve all heard it many times before. But when it happened to me, I fell apart. The pain was like nothing I had ever felt before. I felt like I was living on different plane of existence – it felt surreal. I kept waiting to wake up and find it was all a nightmare. But no, here I am, journaling my story because I am so NOT OVER IT! I have become a part of a blogging community of people here who are suffering the aftermath of infidelity. We share our stories and encourage each other to move forward with our lives, whatever that means to each of us.