Another Sleepless Night

1:00 am and I can’t sleep.  Had another fight with my husband.  I am doing therapy with an online marriage coach, and hubby saw the beginning of one of my letters to my therapist.  I had only written two lines, but he made all kinds of assumptions about what I was going to write, and was upset.  He thought I was trying to paint an image of him as a monster.  I was actually trying to do the exact opposite so that my therapist would get as clear a perspective as possible when hearing from only one side of an argument.  I went to great lengths in the remaining paragraphs to do so.  It would not benefit my recovery to misrepresent the state of our marriage.  I even asked my therapist if my husband could be part of our letters in the future.  My husband does not believe me, but he won’t come and look at my computer to see my finished letter.

It’s only because he’s upset.  He has really been trying to be accommodating to me since D-day.  But arguments like this make me wonder if we will really get through this together.  I’ve read that, on average, people take 2 – 4 years to get past an affair.  How will we ever last that long to see the other side?  I am so tired.  Tired of being in pain – actually physically hurting from his betrayal.  Tired of fighting.  Tired of feeling disconnected from everyone and everything.  Tired of feeling so alone.  Physically tired from lack of sleep and no appetite.  Where is the optimist that I used be?  I think she moved out because she couldn’t handle all the negativity emanating from the new me.

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