Infidelity. Affair. Betrayal. Deceit. None of those words seem to adequately describe the situation when you find out your spouse has been unfaithful. The devastation, grief, and utter despair are indescribable. The pain is beyond anything I ever imagined in my entire life. Some people say you can completely recover from it. At this writing, it has been over four years since I discovered my husband’s affair, and while the pain is not constant anymore and has diminished considerably, it is still there. It’ll pop into focus at odd times and in inopportune situations. But I am moving on and away from focusing on the injustice of my past. I am leaving this blog online in the hopes that it can help someone who needs someone who understands.
I wrote this blog as I experienced it, so if you would like a chronological story, I suggest you read it backwards and start from my first post back in February 2011. I stopped writing on this blog when I felt that the worst of the trauma was over. I started another blog to chronicle the process of rebuilding my life. It’s called “Renewing a Right Spirit.” I have also finished writing on that blog. I am not over it, but now I am going to change my focus to living a joyous life and not continually focusing on the pain anymore.
If you are in the trauma phase of discovering an unfaithful partner, let me say that I am so sorry. I do not wish this experience on anyone. It nearly did me in. But know that you are not alone, and if you leave a comment here, I will see it and respond to you.
My best to anyone who comes across this… may God guide you in your personal journey.
On October 17, 2010 I discovered that my husband had had a six-year affair with his high school sweetheart. He was my first love, my only love, and I had trusted him wholly and completely. Is it possible for me to heal, to forgive, to rebuild our marriage?
I’ve heard it described as a loss of innocence when a spouse betrays you that way. That’s truly how it feels. This blog is my journey: from physical trauma to this road to recovery, and a lot about the lessons I’m learning along the way.
September 6, 2011
A new look to my blog today to go with a new approach to life and to my recovery! I have come to a place where I can say I am going to make it. With or without my husband, I am going to make it. I am going to take charge and work on myself.
I’ve read a number of things that say that if your husband is not willing to do the hard work to rebuild your marriage, you must “swing out” of your marriage and work on yourself. Swinging out means that you work on yourself – find your own activities and make things right for yourself. Stop working on the marriage or on your husband until your husband “swings in” and begins to work on the marriage himself. Until now, I couldn’t do that. Leave him alone with unmet needs? I couldn’t possibly. There is definitely a risk there. But if you set him free and he leaves, he was never truly yours to begin with. Now I am strong enough to try this out. This is a very new and different phase of life for me. We’ll see how it goes.
This is not to say that I am over it, or that I no longer hurt, or that I am no longer afraid of losing him. But I see now that this must be done if my marriage is ever to be the honest, trusting, caring relationship I want it to be. And if it cannot be that, then it is not worth saving. Please pray for me.