Still dealing with affair fog

I hear a lot on other blogs about cheaters coming out of the affair fog quickly, sometimes even all of a sudden when they are confronted by people finding out about their immoral and disgraceful behavior, or sometimes when they see how cowardly their affair partner is when faced with their own spouse’s discovery of the illicit affair.  This did not happen with my husband.  Maybe it’s because I protected him and did not reveal his affair to anyone except our children, who are all adults.  Maybe it’s partly because his affair was so long.  Six years is a long time.  The brainwashing of the affair fog was nearly complete and sometimes it’s hard for him to remember what we were before that and what we thought before that.  It’s even hard for me sometimes.

Whatever the case, it took months for him to start seeing that his relationship with his OW was not the perfect love between soul mates who were destined to be together.  He had thought that rediscovering love with his first love was something special and unique.  It was over a year before he stopped moping around.  And now, 17 months after D-day, I find that we are still dealing with the twisted facts and reconstructed story of our lives that comes with a deep affair fog.  It blew me away.

We were listening to NPR the other day and they were talking politics.  After the segment finished, I asked my husband what his stance on the subject was.  It was a loaded question.  When we first married, we had the same views on politics and life.  We didn’t go in opposite directions after that, but there were a few things that came up where we didn’t agree.  We agreed to disagree.  To me, my relationship with my husband was more important than any political debate and I let it go.  His affair partner was very, very far on the opposite side from me.  He talked to her for hours every day and quickly became very political, like she was, and took on all her views.  She was good at reminding him how different I was from them, and that he belonged with her.  I became the enemy.

He didn’t answer.  I said, “No answer tells me your answer.”

He blew up.  “I can’t give you a short, simple answer.  It’s not simple!  You’re just like all the politicians.  You won’t see what’s right in front of you!”

And he stormed out.

It was a loaded question, but I didn’t say anything about my feelings on the subject.  He was quoting from things she had said and written in those emails I found.  He was still being influenced by her and the things she got him to believe during their affair.

We went through our day and he let go of his anger and that night we were cuddling up and I said, “We need to talk about this issue like two adults.”

He agreed.  As we talked, he came to realize that he didn’t really believe in what he was saying.  He could finally see it himself.

It wasn’t the political issue that was really the issue.  It was how he viewed me.  I had been the enemy for so long that although he had chosen to be with me, he was holding these things against me.  And they weren’t even true.  They were a bunch of lies that they concocted to justify his having an affair.  That’s affair fog talking.

It was a huge HUGE huge big deal for him to realize this.  He sees now that he was so far removed from reality during his affair that he had come to believe things that were entirely false.  He is looking at me with new eyes now.  He is realizing that he needs to get to know me again.  He has asked me all kinds of questions in the past few days, and he likes what he is hearing.

It was also a huge deal that we were able to discuss it calmly and openly.  It was like we opened the door and a breath of fresh air blew in.

It is not the end of the affair fog.  He still has many misconceptions about life and about us as a result of it.  This post is a very simplified version of what is taking place.  But we have taken an important step towards clearing up the fog and bringing in some sunshine.  At last.

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18 thoughts on “Still dealing with affair fog

  1. Baby steps. Keep moving. Keep fighting for what you want. Communicate often, even when it is painful.
    You are getting back on the path DJ.
    Wishing you peace and a newfound vision with your husband.

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you, LFBA. It is with fear as well as love that I look at the road ahead. I don’t think the X-ray apron will come off just yet. There is still much to uncover and work through. I’m glad you are here with me.

      DJ

      • I know it is tough…but know that the fear is because you still care.

        I got my share of triggers tonight…when X and her AP showed up at my son’s baseball game and I got to watch him snapping pictures of my son…and rubbing the small of my (soon to be ex) wife’s back.

        Ya think he’d know better when I’m 5 feet away surrounded by baseball bats at my easy reach!! LOL

        So, I’m not trying to throw my pity party into your blog. Just a little note to hope you can see that you still have a lot to fight for, and have the ability to fight for it. You are on a long journey…and I hope that is a journey of recovery and recommittment. The journey has rough spots, but the road remains before you and under you.

  2. Not Over It says:

    In your situation today, I might have had trouble keeping my hands off the bats… !!!

    I was at a baseball game today, too. I took my baby granddaughter to watch my 7-year old nephew play. If my husband’s OW had been sitting there… geez, LFBA, for those of you who must put up with seeing the AP like that… wow, that’s gotta be just maddening. Not enough expletives in the world to deal with that one.

    I do see your point. It doesn’t always make it feel better, but I understand. I had more big triggers today and the going is rough again right now, but I will be ok. Hope you are ok, too.

    Thank you again.
    DJ

  3. I know it doesn’t always make you feel better DJ. I’m not trying to minimize what you are going through. I just want to keep reminders in front of you of what you are fighting for as these are dificult to see when that road takes a big dip into a dark valley.

  4. Doug says:

    Great post DJ. Many times on our site people say that the “fog” is nothing but bull, but I’m a firm believer that it exists – as I’ve experienced it – and your post is another great example. Hang in there!

    • sandra says:

      I HAVE to believe in a ‘fog’. Insanity. whatever. MLC? excuse for bad behavior. Character flaw? obviously. they are adult children and they want what they want and when for whatever reason it doesn’t work out–well, they stay (knowing how many lives they have ruined, and attempt redemption, especially when the ow doesn’t want them–completely, anymore) or they leave. seems if they stay they think they have done us a favor. They still, often don’t get to the appreciate what you have stage. often. I once heard it was either God or eternity, that could fix, heal, mend, or undo some of this, and eternity is looking like a mighty long long time.

      • Not Over It says:

        Hi Sandra,

        Yes, there is definitely an affair fog. How it comes about in the mind of the cheater is something I am pondering and trying to find answers on.

        Have you tried counseling? Your husband needs to see that you did him a huge favor by granting him a second chance. Is he open at all to working on himself and on your marriage?

        Praying for you…
        DJ

  5. Not Over It says:

    Doug! One of my heroes right here on my blog…

    I first read about affair fog on your site, and then found other write-ups on the subject. It makes sense to me and now I am experiencing it right in my own marriage.

    I cannot deny that I still sometimes wonder if we can really get through this, but you and Linda give me hope that we can.

    Thank you. Sending love and prayers to you and yours -
    DJ

    • Doug says:

      DJ, I think that many people just think that the “fog” is a state of mind that the cheater has where they are acting and doing crazy things while in their affair. That’s part of it, but there is much more to it. The rationalizations for their actions, the re-writing of the history of their marriage, the fantasies, etc.

      It seems for the most part that your husband is helping you and that’s such an important aspect. You can get through this!

      • Doug. It is commendable that you can see this now. It’s just sad that so many people can not learn from others who have gone through it. My X I think remained in the fog…in her escapism … for 4 years. During that time she could talk about her AP’s manipulation, her revision of history etc….but the fog was always there. I thought whe was over it, but found out too late that we had a lot more work to do. Now, she is back with him.
        I read your blog and find it very insightful.
        Peace to you.

      • Not Over It says:

        Emotional Affair Journey offers a lot for people on both sides of infidelity, doesn’t it? Thank you, LFBA.

      • Not Over It says:

        Thank you, Doug. My husband is handling things much better now and some of that is thanks to you. I have shown him some of your posts and it has made a difference for him.

        There are still bad days, though, like today. It’s been a rough one. He basically shut me down and walked away. I don’t know what’s in his head but I guess he needs some time to deal with it himself.

        You are so right about the fog. It is so much more than acting crazy. I’m planning another post on it soon.

        Thanks again -
        DJ

  6. backonmyown says:

    I hope you’re getting glimpses of sunshine through the fog. It’s so difficult to navigate in the fog. Pulling for you.

    • Not Over It says:

      Thank you, Pat. Yes, I see rays of light here and there. Not today, but yes, I do see them sometimes. It is so good to have friends helping me through. You are a gem.

      DJ

  7. auslorri says:

    I’m up to 18mths and still in trigger land fog of such hurt.. i hope it all goes away one day – and I hope things work out for you too. If you need to talk, please contact me – Sometimes we need to speak to someone we know really ‘gets it’ as the hurts run so deep! Big Hugs xxx

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