Greetings, everyone! My best to you all. I have been cheered and touched by the comments you’ve written while I was gone. I had a few moments here and there where I could get online and I read everyone’s comments. Thank you. But I am happy to report now that I am home – back to my family and my job and my INTERNET CONNECTION! Thank God! It feels like I have been away for a long, long time and that I am changed in many ways. Thank God for that, too. It was time.
I am still a little congested and have some heaviness in my lungs, but I am so much better than when I left. My daughter is also doing well and we are certain that we will make it through everything — so much so that we are planning a family trip for October.
So I am back. However, my online marriage coach – Coach James – feels that my blog is keeping the pain close to my heart. He says I am surrounded by pain and I keep the memories fresh by reliving them over and over. I have fought with my husband over this since we were three months out from discovery of his affair. At that time Coach James encouraged me to continue. There is a time and place for grieving, and I needed that for almost two and a half years. We all do, for a lot longer than most people think we do. But today, James asked me to look at the topic cloud that I keep on the left side of the page. It is filled with the horrors of infidelity, and rightfully so. But at what point do I shift from grieving over the pain and sorrow, and start to fill my topic cloud with words of affirmation and overcoming? It’s different for everyone, and depends a lot on the help of the cheating spouse. I have struggled because I do not have much help from Daniel. It’s not that he isn’t a caring husband. He just hasn’t given me what I need to heal. But I can’t stay stuck forever. Regardless his actions, my time for change is now. I am ready.
There was an experience that pushed me to take control and take action. We stayed with Daniel’s brother and his wife for a part of my time away. That is one unhappy marriage. They have both made monumental mistakes in their lives. Daniel’s brother is very much like Daniel, and he did not give his wife what she needed to heal from his mistakes. To this day, he has not even acknowledged some of them. They are about 10 years older than Daniel and me. They look 20 years older. She is a bitter, unhappy woman. She is miserable in her life and she brings down everyone around her. It’s so sad. She is not a bad woman or an evil woman. She is just a hurting woman. Her husband is not going to change now, not unless he is forced to. She doesn’t believe there will ever be a change and she won’t try for it. So they are stuck. They are doomed to stay stuck in their miserable, unhappy lives.
As I watched them, I realized that this could be me 10 years from now. If I don’t change my path, I will become a bitter, unhappy woman. I have already talked about bitterness and resentment seeping into my being. I am sentencing myself to a life like that of my sister-in-law — if I don’t make some changes.
And so I’d like to change the focus here. We’ve talked long and in great detail about pain and grief in the aftermath of infidelity. The pain is like no other. But when we are ready, how do we move away from it? I feel I am standing at a crossroads yet again. I will explore this with you, if you’d like to choose the side of the fork in the road where I am going. I know there will be days when we fall down and wallow in the old hurts and pains, but we can keep moving forward together. What do you think?