Visit me at my new blog!

Kentucky forest

Hi all. I have taken a considerable break from blogging, but am starting up again. This blog – Not Over It – is up for a short time as a chronicle of the phase of my life that I call “The Devastation.” I am not over it – lol – but I do need to make a commitment to moving forward and away from dwelling daily in the darkness of The Devastation. So come visit me at the new blog I’ve created for my new phase of life. I call it “The Renewing.”

Here is a link to it:

http://djrenewing.wordpress.com

I don’t intend it to be all fluff and fake happiness. I will write honestly about the things I still go through in living with infidelity and betrayal. I still shed tears almost daily. It’s just not the torrential downpour it used to be, and I am more at peace than I have been since entering The Devastation. I strive for more and more good days, fewer and fewer bad days… moving forward with God as my lead and my chi (inner energy) striving to sync with His daily.

Archiving the blog instead

I don’t mean to drag this out, but I’ve received such strong reactions from people that I feel I must say a few things before I shut down.

I’ve read every comment and prayed for each person as I read your words. I have been crying and crying. It feels like I am moving away from good friends. But on the bright side, there are many blogs here where we can still share with each other. I am not really going away, and I will always be your friend. I am planning to be an active participant in several blogs and websites.

I may even start a devotional blog. I would enjoy that very much… just thinking about it right now. In years past, I have been close to God, then I turned my back on Him, and now have returned. My experience — or should I say my stupidity — may help others.

As Cathmae said, I did not make this decision lightly. I believe Daniel understands that this is a sacrifice on my part and he is grateful.

Robin’s comments, spoken from experience, make a lot of sense. So rather than delete this site, I am going to make it private as a way of archiving it. I will not be inviting people in — it will just be there as a testimony for myself of my journey thus far.

Again, thank you for spending time here with me. It has made my journey so much easier to live through. I have come a long way from the woman who was so traumatized that she couldn’t function, and much of that is because of you — my friends here in our little community.

I will hit the “make private” button tonight.

Love & prayers,
DJ

Deleting this site

It is with sadness and regret that I announce that I will close down my blog immediately. My husband has always hated it, and now he says he feels violated and betrayed by my sharing our personal story publicly. It doesn’t matter to him that no one knows our real names. I am agreeing to this on the condition that he agrees to work with me on healing.

I am not disappearing from our community. I will participate in conversations on other blogs and will see you around. Take care.

Love & prayers,
DJ

Rick Reynolds and “How Could You?”

betrayal
Photo by Carole Good

Rick Reynolds is currently running a series on how a normally good person can even entertain the idea of an affair. This week’s installment is very good. It’s very much like what my husband told me after I discovered his affair: moral justification.

Here is the link to Rick’s article:

http://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/moral-justifications-unfaithful-spouse-uses-to-have-affair?utm_campaign=newsletter&utm_medium=email_04-10&utm_source=list_MC&utm_content=unfaithful&utm_term=link_visible

Hope all is well with you!

I’m home

overcoming bitterness

Greetings, everyone! My best to you all. I have been cheered and touched by the comments you’ve written while I was gone. I had a few moments here and there where I could get online and I read everyone’s comments. Thank you. But I am happy to report now that I am home – back to my family and my job and my INTERNET CONNECTION! Thank God! It feels like I have been away for a long, long time and that I am changed in many ways. Thank God for that, too. It was time.

I am still a little congested and have some heaviness in my lungs, but I am so much better than when I left. My daughter is also doing well and we are certain that we will make it through everything — so much so that we are planning a family trip for October.

So I am back. However, my online marriage coach – Coach James – feels that my blog is keeping the pain close to my heart. He says I am surrounded by pain and I keep the memories fresh by reliving them over and over. I have fought with my husband over this since we were three months out from discovery of his affair. At that time Coach James encouraged me to continue. There is a time and place for grieving, and I needed that for almost two and a half years. We all do, for a lot longer than most people think we do. But today, James asked me to look at the topic cloud that I keep on the left side of the page. It is filled with the horrors of infidelity, and rightfully so. But at what point do I shift from grieving over the pain and sorrow, and start to fill my topic cloud with words of affirmation and overcoming? It’s different for everyone, and depends a lot on the help of the cheating spouse. I have struggled because I do not have much help from Daniel. It’s not that he isn’t a caring husband. He just hasn’t given me what I need to heal. But I can’t stay stuck forever. Regardless his actions, my time for change is now. I am ready.

There was an experience that pushed me to take control and take action. We stayed with Daniel’s brother and his wife for a part of my time away. That is one unhappy marriage. They have both made monumental mistakes in their lives. Daniel’s brother is very much like Daniel, and he did not give his wife what she needed to heal from his mistakes. To this day, he has not even acknowledged some of them. They are about 10 years older than Daniel and me. They look 20 years older. She is a bitter, unhappy woman. She is miserable in her life and she brings down everyone around her. It’s so sad. She is not a bad woman or an evil woman. She is just a hurting woman. Her husband is not going to change now, not unless he is forced to. She doesn’t believe there will ever be a change and she won’t try for it. So they are stuck. They are doomed to stay stuck in their miserable, unhappy lives.

As I watched them, I realized that this could be me 10 years from now. If I don’t change my path, I will become a bitter, unhappy woman. I have already talked about bitterness and resentment seeping into my being. I am sentencing myself to a life like that of my sister-in-law — if I don’t make some changes.

And so I’d like to change the focus here. We’ve talked long and in great detail about pain and grief in the aftermath of infidelity. The pain is like no other. But when we are ready, how do we move away from it? I feel I am standing at a crossroads yet again. I will explore this with you, if you’d like to choose the side of the fork in the road where I am going. I know there will be days when we fall down and wallow in the old hurts and pains, but we can keep moving forward together. What do you think?

Going away for a bit

Thank you for all your well wishes and for continuing to comment here. It blesses my soul. Truly.

I am still quite sick. I don’t think I’ve ever been so sick in my entire life. I cannot be of much help to my daughter right now, so I am going away for a bit to recover and to keep our house germ-free. There will be no internet where I am going unless I go into town, so I wish you all a great Easter. I’ll be online to check for comments, but may not have the opportunity to post much. I will if I can.

Love & prayers,
DJ

Out sick… again?

girl with flu

I’ve brought back one of my favorite pictures – this sweet little Asian girl – to tell you that I’m sick… AGAIN. This time it’s a doozie. I am out of commission with pneumonia. Today is the first day in several that I have gotten up and walked around a bit, so I wanted to write a quick note to say hi.

I have been reading the comments here and have enjoyed the sharing that is going on. We have such wonderful friends here!

My doctor says my body is reacting to the stress of the last several years. It’s catching up with me, she says. I thought the fibromyalgia was my body’s way of reacting, but I guess it has decided to act out in a different way now. Whatever, I won’t be down long. I will persevere.

Take care. Since I am up today, I expect to be back soon.

Love & prayers,
DJ